


As the Doctor's Mind Crumbles

by Bittersweet_Fable



Series: The Breaking and Repairing of Jennifer Keller [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Fluffy Ending, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reappearance of her torturer, spiraling out of control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 04:20:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 23,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21570697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bittersweet_Fable/pseuds/Bittersweet_Fable
Summary: Sequel to Brutes, Bosses and Crazy Girls. Not sure this will make sense without reading that one first.Although Keller may be physically healing from her ordeal her mind has a long way to go. Her day to day life starts becoming superimposed over dark caves and dank forests. Questions arise over how long she can last. Ronon and Sheppard try their best to get her through and then Keller is forced to face her fears. Will this ever be over?
Relationships: Ronon Dex/Jennifer Keller
Series: The Breaking and Repairing of Jennifer Keller [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1544914
Kudos: 12





	1. Recovery Is Hard

Keller twist ed her neck to look at the quiet figure in her doorway “I don’t know how they do it on your planet but stepping into the room is customary when visiting someone on earth ” .

Teyla smiled slightly and moved so Jennifer could see her without strain. It had been  just over a week since they had found her bruised, battered and near death on a desolate planet and , although Carson said she was healing well,  her back was still a source of worry which meant she was restricted to lying on her stomach and couldn’t walk further than the bathroom; the source of much contention between the patient and her doctor. “I did not wish to disturb your reading but if you are up for visitors perhaps we could break fast together?”

Jennifer tried to smile warmly at the sincere request, Teyla didn’t mean anything by it but she was  struggling to find the appetite to eat anything larger than a piece of toast, everyone who visited her had noticed and ever y single one of them had felt the need to comment on it. Jennifer paused a moment to study Teyla before agreeing “But if this is a ploy to make sure I eat mor e I’m going to schedule you for so many blood tests your head will… ” Jennifer’s eyes widened slightly when she saw a cluster of people standing in her door “What are you all doing here?” Jennifer exclaimed to John, Ronon, Rodney, Radek and Carson as they filed in, dragging seats from the surrounding offices behind them, all of them sporting trays heavily laden with food.

Jennifer’s eyes fell on Teyla’s face as she quickly tried to hide the guilt that flashed across it “Remind me to do that thing I was threatening once I get out of here.” Teyla just smiled and took a tray from John, Jen knew she wouldn’t hear another word about it

“So, what are everyone’s plans for today?” she asked as she accepted a tray from Carson, and suppressed a sigh; scrambled eggs, tomatoes, toast and a banana, but no coffee. She shot a quick glare at Carson who, knowing full well what she was trying to say, winked at her and tucked into his meal, glancing up once to silently ask why she wasn’t following his example. She begrudgingly bit into the corner of her toast.

“A million things, as usual.” Rodney began around a mouthful of egg “The air conditioning in the north tower has  literally  frozen everything on the 12 th level and the engineers here don’t seem to be any better than a monkey with a wrench so I have to go there and fix it myself.” Keller watched the egg finally disappear only to be replaced with a chunk of toast, a sense of morbid fascination flooding her as she watched its slow and very public death “The exploration team has just found another research lab with big red buttons they felt the need to push, now I have to try and clean the green goo out of the system before I can even tell if it’s usable. Why do they even bother-“

Sheppard, sick of hearing Rodney complain, took a swipe at the back of his head “Didn’t your mother ever tell you not to talk with your mouth full?”

Rodney opened his mouth to protest and then closed it to swallow his latest mouthful “I’ll have you know…” Jennifer drowned out the familial bickering and watched the rest of the group slowly collecting  themselves for the day ahead. Small sips of coffee, quiet murmurs of conversation interspersed with small chuckles and soft smiles.

Carson caught her eye and raised his fork to his mouth, miming that she should continue eating. Jennifer screwed up her face but when she caught everyone else in the room pretending not to be watching the contents of her plate she picked up her fork and took a bite.

For the next half an hour the group caught up on their day and made plans to meet up later, assuming the world wasn’t ending again. The impromptu meeting ending by some unspoken agreement once Jennifer finished the last of her food with a gulp that mad e her stomach churn and they filed out with the trays, each wishing her a good day and promising to visit her while she recovered. Carson, sending their trays with Teyla, stood and checked over her dressings, drip, asked about the pain levels and told her to rest, sounding far more fatherly than any doctor she had ever had. His departure left her alone with her churning stomach and Ronon leaning against the wall.

“Hi.” she said and took a deep breath past the surge her stomach took as her nerves kicked in. Even lounging against the wall that man was imposing and it didn’t help that he hadn’t spoken a word to her since she had woken lucid “Ronon, I never got the chance to-“

Ronon shook his head “No, don’t. I just wanted to say that I can see that you’re strong now.” he frowned at her impression of a fish “That didn’t sound right.” he amended and although his frown deepened she let the silence hang, unable to find any words suitable to break it “I read your report.” Keller paled and pressed her lips tight as her stomach swirled further up her throat at the threat of the memories, “You… you did good. When you say you’re better I’m going to teach you to break every bone in the human body.” Jennifer’s eyes widened when h e laid his hand on her shoulder, his voice gruff  “This will never happe n to you again.” Ronon looked her over once before nodding and turning to leave.

“Wait.” Jennifer called and levered herself up with her one good arm and swung her feet over the edge of the bed so she could look at him without feeling so height disadvantaged. Ronon was in front of her in an instant, concern and wariness warring for dominance on his face “I… Thank you but… Ronon, I’m a doctor, I don’t think I can learn to do that, I took an oath to do no harm, to actively train… I just can’t.” Jennifer was starting to feel seriously ill, maybe sitting up hadn’t been a good idea.

“Jennifer” her gaze rose from the floor at his use of her first name “See this as self-defence, if anyone tries to hurt you as those bastards did then you can injure them enough to escape” ' _and maybe incapacitated long enough for one of us to find him and ensure he can’t touch you again'_ Ronon added silently

Keller was obviously still uncomfortable with the idea “Ronon could-“

“That was not a reque-”

“No. Ronon could-” she took a couple of shallow breaths and he could see sweat breaking out on her forehead“Could you pass me that” she pointed to the basin on the table against the wall. The moment she had it in her hands she vomited.

Ronon called for Carson and moved to hold her hair back as she struggled to keep her back straight so to not tear her stitches “I’m sorry” she said between heaves “breakfast was-” she sobbed and wrapped her injured arm around her ribs “-too much but you all wanted-” another heave and Carson came running in.

“Oh lass I’m sorry, deep breaths” he reached into one of the draws and stuck a needle into her I.V. “Anti-nausea would react to the other meds you’re on but this should help some” Ronon watched as Carson’s hand hovered over her back, obviously wanting to give her comfort but unable to because of her injuries “that’s it, breathe, keep that back straight” eventually Jennifer calmed and Carson took the basin away from her shaking hand “Ronon, could you get her lying on her side while I get rid of this. Lass,” he said, turning to the tear-stained woman “You rest and I’ll be back in a bit to check on your stiches and ribs” he nodded to Ronon and swept out, coat billowing behind him.

Ronon waited until Carson left before looking at Keller again. She looked so small as she sat shaking on the edge of the bed. He walked over but she didn’t seem to take any notice of him so he laid his hands on her shoulders. No reaction “Doc?” she looked up with vacant eyes and he froze for a moment as he crushed the fear of another fever. 

“Tired.” she rasped, throat obviously raw. Ronon used her shoulders to guide her down on the bed and then swung her legs up. When he removed his hand he noticed a bruise, still a livid purple, wrapped around her calf and his hands clenched into tight fists. He knew what was hidden under that hospital gown, he had read the report, had seen the state she was in when they first found her, but what stood out in his mind was the day after she got back. When her body was racked with fever and she would whimper and cringe at imagined enemies. At that point, Carson had her sealed away in a plastic room to prevent further infection while they stitched and disinfected the cuts and allowed them to start to heal before dressing them. Ronon remembered the raised and red-edged wounds, the blood that didn’t want to clot and the fear in the eyes of her staff and friends.

“Ronon?” Jennifer called softly. He turned his gaze on her and regretted it instantly when she flinched from the rage she saw “I…I…. are you sure you want to teach me?” he nodded, not trusting his voice to hide the anger. Jennifer chewed her lip and sighed “I’ll think about it.” that was enough for him.

Ronon left the room shortly after and smiled brightly at the first person he saw. The nurse froze and stared at him until he turned the corner and out of sight.


	2. The Excitement of Paperwork

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen tries to settle backing into her life while those around her try to keep an eye on her

Jennifer peeked over her shoulder with only the tiniest groan of pain. Still free. Three more steps and Jennifer paused for a moment to listen for footfalls, just because her swimming vision managed to clear at the same time meant nothing, it was just nicely coincidental. Yup. She had spent another 4 days in the infirmary after she managed to vomit in front of Ronon and tear half her stitches. After that, her health had slowed its steady rise to normality and she had been trapped in her room, denied the chance to even catch up on paperwork after she fell asleep on the last report she had talked her nurse into bringing her.

Another glance over her shoulder. Still free.

She started shuffling forward again, now halfway from her room to her office, hand against the wall for support, not that she needed it, and injured arm around the ribs that she would swear - under the glare of Carson himself - didn’t hurt.

Nearly there.

It was a sad day when the paperwork was something she fought to do.

“Jennifer Marian Keller”

_Oh crap._

“What do you think you’re doing?”

Jennifer fixed a smile on her face and turned. Her chances of convincing him she was fine lowering significantly when she had to catch herself against the wall with  her bad arm because the room spu n “Carson… Hi… beautiful day we’re having.” her face ached from the size of her smile.

He glared and she fought not to squirm under it “No we're not, it's raining, not that you can see it from this room" he said flatly "and you are not leaving this infirmary.”

“Good.” she said knowing to agree with him would catch him off guard, “I was aiming for my office if you would be so kind.” she held out her arm for him to assist.

Carson raised an eyebrow “You are going to no such place missy. What is going to happen is I’m going to get a wheelchair and you are going to sit in it and allow me to take you back to your room.” Keller opened her mouth to protest “And you are going to do it with a smile or I am not going to release you tomorrow.” he grinned as her eyes lit up “Knew that’d get ya, now stay put while I find that chair.”

Now that she thought about it a chair was a good idea. Her limbs felt like jelly, her hip ached something fierce and, although breathing was starting to come easier as the ribs healed, one bump and her breath was stolen. The worst was the constant itch her back had become as it began to heal. There were days, as she was stretched out on her stomach with nothing to do, when she was sure she was going to be driven crazy by the unrequited urge to scratch.

“Here we go.” Carson said walking up and bowing over the chair with a flourish of his hand “Your carriage awaits.”

Jennifer grinned and sat down gratefully “Oh Carson” she said in a high fluttery voice “You’re such a gentleman. Promise you’ll make an honest woman of me one day. We’ll settle down in a little cottage with a white picket fence and tell our children of this moment.”

Carson snorted and had to slow down to keep from running them into a wall “Yes dear, in a couple of years I’ll retire to one of the islands near the city and I’m sure we can find white pickets lying around  A tlantis somewhere to make you a fence with. We can even have Ronon over for tea and scones.”

Jennifer tilted her head back and grinned at an upside-down Carson “Deal.”

Jennifer was still grinning when she was assisted to lay back down on her bed. The easy familial banter she had with Carson had helped ground her back into the real world when she had been rescued and she cherished it

* * *

Jennifer sat at her desk, staring blankly at the pile of files on her desk and the computer pad in her hand. Why had she wanted  to  get back to work? She sighed, laid the computer on to p of the mess and ran her  fingers through her hair before balancing the computer  back  on her cast , ready to start digitising more of her notes.

There was a shuffle at the doorway and Jennifer’s gaze flew up, heart pounding with the fear of unknown company, “Carson” she said with a little too much relief.

“Sorry love,  I didn’t mean to sneak up on ya; I just wanted to see how you were going and whether you needed anything.”

Jennifer kept her annoyance in check, it wasn’t his fault that nearly all her nursing staff and half the doctors had asked her the same thing every day since she started doing paperwork again, nor was it his fault that they now all left her alone after she snapped at Doctor Wells when he asked if she wanted coffee. It had been a long day “It’s just paperwork Carson, I think I can manage and I was going to head down for an early lunch after I finished this stack” she waved at the smallest of the piles of folders in front of her

“You know  its 2:30 pm Jennifer? Lunch was a couple of hours ago” he smiled when she glanced at her watch with a startled expression, “I would offer to go with you but I h ave a meeting with Woolsey in 15 minutes.” Carson looked from her to the files and back again before excusing himself for a moment.

_ ”Ronon, you finished sending me more patients for the next hour?”  _ He radioed.

“ _ The last one should be reaching you in a minute or two, what can I do for you doc?” _

_ “Jennifer hasn’t had lunch yet”  _ he felt more than heard the growl from his earpiece  _ “Play nice, she just got caught up in her paperwork. Anyway, I was wondering if you would make sure she took a break and ate, I would but I’ve got to talk to Woolsey.” _

_ “Sure, I’ll be there in 5.” _

_ “Ta.” _

Carson returned to Jennifer’s office, making sure she heard him coming, “So, what poor sap have you talked into babysitting me today?” she asked. It had taken her a few days but she had come to accept  (mostly)  that those closest to her were going to mother her until she could prove she was back to normal, now she tried to accept their help with as much grace as her patience would permit.

“Ronon, he’s just finished running his training with the crazy sods who volunteered.”

“Oi.” a man said from behind Carson “I happen to be one of those crazy sods.”

Carson turned to reveal a young sergeant with a cloth to his head wound “Matheson, why don’t I get you set up with one of the nurses.” he smiled at Jennifer and led the man away “Lad, you’re the craziest of the lot! Only you would feel you had a good chance at stopping Ronon’s stick with your head, normal people use their own weapons, or, and I know you’re military so this will sound crazy, but you could dodge.”

Matheson chuckled “True doc, but then I wouldn’t have an excuse to visit your pretty nurses.”

Jennifer grinned and went back to her work, hoping to finish the file she was half-way through .

“No ” a voice said from behind her and for the second time that day she froze in fear. A large arm reached over her shoulder to take the computer tablet away and she couldn’t help but flinch, it didn't matter that her brain had already remembered it should be Ronon “Sorry ” he said softly, acknowledging her fear of him before becoming a bossy male again “You need to eat, let’s go.”

Jennifer sighed and pushed her chair away from the table, taking her time to stand and stretch her half-healed back “Lead on, I know when I’ve been out bullied. Doctors are experts at it.”

* * *

Jennifer and Ronon sat out on the balcony, trays o f food in their laps as they leant against the wall with their legs stretched out in front of them, watching the birds fly in a companionable silence. It was Jennifer who broke it first “Of all the people around me, you’re the only one who doesn’t ask me how I am at every opportunity” Ronon remained silent, his eyes focused  on  a pair of gulls circling each other  “I’m not complaining, the cons tant questions are setting up the insanity plea for  my eventual murder trial quite nicely, but then you agree to do something like this and it shows that your silence isn’ t because you don’t care”  She paused, trying to  find words for her very muddled thoughts “I just - you always seem to surprise me”

Jennifer didn’t expect a reply, didn’t expect anything really, she just needed to say that she noticed. The others needed her to be someone, to give nice understandable answers when she didn’t have any. They wanted to feel useful and showed their love by crowding her day with chatter and questions and eyes that searched for the proof that they were helping.

Jennifer was exhausted,  her eyes drifted closed against the glare of the sun and twinkle of the water. She twitched when his voice unexpectedly broke the silence.

“You’re not ok. I don’t need to ask to see that.” his reply startled her but she was painfully grateful she could hear no pity in it “And I trust that if you ever needed to talk you would seek someone out. Trying to force it isn't helpful.” Jennifer was surprised  at his insight and she turned and look ed at him “What?” he asked, “Just because I don’t speak doesn’t mean I don’t see.”

She smiled and rested her head against the wall again, letting her eyes drift shut once more “I just didn’t expect you to say it.” she paused and he waited, there was obviously something else she wanted to say “Do you think you could convince the others to back off?” her playful tone laced with hope.

“Not a chance. Believe it or not, I like to fight battles I might win ”


	3. Mandatory Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen attends mandatory therapy and lies through her teeth. Carson tries to help behind the scenes.

“So , how did you find today , Jennifer?” Doctor Barnes watched her with a practised mask of serene acceptance. Jennifer hated psychologists.

“It’s gone well, I’ve been sleeping more than usual but that can be chalked up to a side effect of using Atlantian technology to speed up the repair of my arm, no nightmares, no flashbacks. I’m just grateful to be back home with my family.” Jennifer hid her grin as she watched the doctor's pen fly across her notepad.

“Ok, that sounds great, almost too good to be true if I’m honest.” she looked at Jen sceptically “Well, why don’t we run through your capture step by step again. Remember that we can stop at any time if you feel uncomfortable or too anxious but we are aiming to desensitise you to the events, to accept them and then draw strength to help you move past them.”

Dear lord, Jennifer thought, could this woman be more transparent, IA doesn’t send a psychologist unless there was a hidden motive “Yes doctor.”

“Please, Jennifer, try to call me Catherine.”

Jennifer smiled politely and lay down just as she had for the last 4 days. Eyes closed, she focused on her breathing and relaxing each of her muscles, “I was in the head woman’s house looking after my patients, I heard gunshots from the forest floor and the two recovering SGA members left to help.”

“Do you see them again?” Dr Barnes’ voice murmured from her left

_ An arm wrapped around her chest, a hot breath in her ear as one of them held her and forced her to watched as he slaughtered her patients. _

“No, I only learnt when I arrived back in Atlantis that no one had survived.”

“Except Lieutenant Barker.”

“Yes, Lilly was captured as well.” Jennifer struggled to keep her voice even.

“What happened to Lilly?” Dr Barker asked. Jennifer tried to hide her discomfort at exploring new aspects of her memory

“I don’t know.” she lied, “I was drugged for the first day or so, by the time I was conscious Lilly was dead.”

_ “I-I-I’m not sure I can do this Lilly,” Jennifer admitted to her in a hushed voice. _

_ “You have to, every life in Atlantis depends on you not breaking. I’m sorry I won’t be there to help you through this.” Lilly tried to show strength in her smile, one of the final acts of her too-short life. _

Jennifer squeezed her eyes tight against Lilly’s screams as they reverberated around her head.

“SGA-1 couldn’t find her; do you know what happened to her body?”

_ The dogs snarled inches from her face, obviously starved and feral “These are my babies, I try to feed them what I can but there’s never enough to go around.” the tall man grinned down at Keller as she knelt on the ground in exhaustion “Your Lieutenant Barker was a nice treat for them though.” _

“No,” she said in a strangled voice, “I assume they buried her like they were going to do with me.” there was no way the last image  of Lilly  she was going to give these people was as a meal for a pack of dogs. Screw protocol. Screw IA.

Jennifer’s hands were trembling slightly and she clasped them together to try and hide it. She didn’t dare peek at the doctor to see if she had noticed though.

“Now I know this next part is particularly difficult for you and we’ve been over it in detail before, but can you first describe where you were held.”

Jennifer went through what little details of the cave she remembered even seeing, trying not to visualise it too well.

“And the man who did all this to you, what can you tell me about him?”

_ “You two can play with her, just don’t break her, I want to play with her later.” _

_ Boots, fists, pain, darkness. _

_ A small hand came from over her left shoulder and traced its way down her arm, the rest of the girl moulding herself against her back as she watched with childlike fascination as her fingers ran over Keller’s cold arm “Can we keep her? I’ve always wanted a pet” _

“He was more than slightly delusional.”  _ true _ “As I explained before, he tied me up and taunted me with food and water.”  _ true but why couldn’t she just drop this subject and move on to the signing of forms releasing her from this hell _ “I was beaten only twice, his main enjoyment seemed to come from slicing up my back.” 

_ Lie. _

Jennifer couldn’t bring herself to admit that she had been lent out to others as a toy to be played with. This situation was humiliating enough without the two brutes or the insane woman-child as public knowledge and with everything going on she was afraid she had imagined them. What if it had been one man and she had created a female presence in her memories to… to what? To ease the hurt, to help her accept it, to make it feel less violating?

It didn’t matter.

“I know the injuries look bad.” she admitted, having studied her technicoloured face in the mirror just that morning,  “But a lot of it was done after he had knocked me unconscious, I don’t  even  really  remember  when I broke my arm ” 

_ The strain on her fractured arm grew as he hauled her off her feet by the chain around her wrist. The pain speared down her arm and stole her breath but she held onto the chain with her good hand and whimpered softly “Please, please don’t.” she begged. _

_ “Now now _ _ my dear _ _ , _ _ my angel has finished her doodling on your back but you’ve been bleeding all over it so we need to clean _ _ it _ _. It won _ _ ’ _ _ t take long.” he grinned as her eyes widened in understanding when she saw the waif of a woman walk behind her with a bucket and brush _

_ “No, no, no, no.” icy water hit her back and stole her breath. _

_ Her hand slipped a little. _

_ The brush was applied to her shredded back and darkness swirled. _

_ Her hand slipped some more. _

_ “Please, please stop.” _

_ The man remained in front of her to watch her struggle “Delicious” he whispered to her. _

_ Her hand slipped from the chain. _

_ The last thing she heard before she passed out was the snapping of bone _

“And the cutting of my back he liked to do only when I was unconscious because otherwise, I moved.”

_ The pain was unbearable, nothing like any knife wound she had experience before as this one was done with slow and deep precision. She tried to twist herself away, desperate to evade the knife but Boss came around the front and held his knife against her throat, his eyes silently begging her to squirm. _

“I know everyone is looking for some horrible story of torture and despair but frankly I was lucky.” Jennifer held her breath as she watched the psychologist study her.

“I’m glad of it.” Dr Barnes finally said with a smile “If you feel up to it I’ll sign off on your return to work and leave you in the capable hands of Atlantis’ councillor so I can return my report to Stargate Command.” Jennifer returned the smile gratefully and stood to take to offered hand.

“Thank you for your help and I’ll be sure to talk to Dr Grant if I do experience any problems.” she prayed Dr Barnes couldn’t hear the lie in her words.

With a nod and another smile, Dr Barker left for the gate room and Jennifer sighed with relief. Freedom, now back to work.

She made her way down the corridor and back to the infirmary, paperwork awaited.

* * *

Carson set his cup of tea in front of h im and took a seat before SGA-1 sharing a worried glance to each of them before appearing to steal himself  “I have to leave tomorrow, I’ve left my research for too long and, now that Jennifer is back as head of medicine, IOA wants me gone.” he shook his head as the tension rose “That’s not why I’m here.” he took a deep breath “Jennifer’s injuries were extensive and , if her fevere d dreams are any indication, she experienced a worryingly high a mount of mental torture as well as physical ” his shoulders sagged slightly and the team watched as he fought with himself “Understand that, strictly speaking, this is covered by doctor-patient confidentiality” John gave him a tense nod on behalf of the team “ there are signs of regular beatings from more than one boot, the cuts on her back are all different ages, I would guess that they started the day she arrived and finished as late as the day you found her.”

Carson looked over the group. Rodney was white and kept his gaze on his own mug, brow furrowed. Sheppard looked like he wanted to hit something, Teyla watched him with pained understanding and Ronon… the rage Ronon was struggling to keep buried looked immense. Carson was about to make things worse.

“The cuts are what tipped me off, I have been receiving the notes from Jennifer’s IOA sanctioned therapist and she claims she was unconscious for most of the physical damage she sustained. But the cuts show signs that she struggled, entire sections of her back have shown signs of being redone because the first cuts were jagged, her wrists show signs that she fought her bonds, when she talks in her sleep it's clear she had many discussions with her captors.” Ronon’s hands curled into fists and Carson decided they had all had enough “I’m telling you this because I’m worried she’s try ing to repress all the details. T his was an awful experience, made worse because she is an empathic doctor who wants to see the best in everyone. She is not ok, no matter what she tells you. Now, more than ever, she proves that doctors make the worst patients. She knows how to hide some of it but eventually, it’s going to break her and I need to be certain  you all know the details so you have the tools to put her back together after she  snaps under the pressure ” .

The others seemed to be lost in their thoughts but Teyla nodded to him and smiled “You have my word, we will all watch out for her as she has done for us in the past.”

“Thank you, I trust this information will stay between us, I suspect the IOA would love nothing more than to find her unfit for her job and in need of replacement by someone more… shall we say, loyal to their goals.”

The emotions around the table turned, if possible, grimmer and Carson rose and left them with their thoughts.

_ I’m sorry Jennifer, but I trust them with your health more than I trust it with you right now. God be with you child. _


	4. Bad Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We start to see the cracks appearing as Jennifer deals with a lack of sleep

_ “Please Jennifer, help me.” Lilly whimpered from her pain-ridden position, strung to the ceiling of the cave by the chain wrapped around her wrists. _

_ Jennifer dragged her arms under her and pushed herself off the ground but moments later she crashed back in a cloud of dust, panting with the effort. The dust tickled the back of her throat as she lay discarded on the dirt floor but her mouth was already so dry she couldn’t swallow it away. Her eyes fluttered shut in defeat, a tear escaping as she listened to the pain-filled moans from her maimed friend. _

_ Lilly screamed and Jennifer raised her head enough to see as a  _ _ delicate hand reach out from the dark behind Lilly, wrap around her and dra _ _ w a ribbon of red across her chest. _

_ “No, please don’t hurt her!” Keller cried from the floor, knowing any pleas woul _ _ d go unheeded but was too weak _ _ to do anything more. She watched as Lilly writhed and tugged against her chains pointlessly. The woman-child finally skipped off, apparently finished for the day and the two men bracketing the exit stepped forward with wide grins. _

_ Lilly’s ey _ _ es never left the Boss’s face as he yelled questions while his two lackeys beat her and then, when it finally seemed like this round was over and they were to be left in peace he looked at Jennifer and with a vicious glint in his eye said “You’ve already listened to her being fed to my dogs once.” her stomach dropped and she fought not to be sick “Do you really think you’re-” _

_ “Don’t do it Jennifer” a wavering voice spoke from behind him. _

_ “Shut Up!” he spun and shouted before turning back to Jennifer. _

_ “Do you really think you’re strong enough to make the same choice again?” _

_ “Please Jennifer, just let him.” _

_ “Listen to her scream as the teeth-” _

_ “Please stop,” Lilly begged. _

_ “ _ _ - _ _ tear into her? It took longer than _ _ even I expected the first time _ _ ” nausea swirled through her. _

_ “Just kill me you bastard.” _

_ “And there was so much blood.” he closed his eyes as if remembering a particularly fond moment “You’re a doctor-“ _

_ “Jennifer, don’t!” _

_ “you can imagine how much blood was spilt over the dirt.” _

_ “Stop it!” but Lilly’s voice was all but drowned out by the roaring in her ears. _

_ “But the noise, oh the noise.” he licked his lips. _

_ “No!” _

_ “She cried like a-” _

_ “don’t you-” _

_ “bitch, ironic _ _ re- _ _ ” _

_ “I’ll do it!” Jennifer screamed “I’ll tell you what you want!” and everything went silent. _

Jennifer woke curled up in a ball, sheets bunched around her feet and her hands pressed against her ears, moments later she flew out of bed, took the handful of steps to her bathroom and was promptly and violently sick.

Once Jennifer had emptied her stomach  and the dry heaving had stopped  she shakily made her way back to her room and stared at her bed with trepidation, “Maybe I should take a walk.” it took her a few minutes to dig out her trainers but soon she was on the other side of her door and walking aimlessly down the corridors, for once not rushing anywhere or caught up in a discussion she had the chance to just observe her surroundings.

The city was actually pretty... in a linear, green, metallic sort of way but there was only so much green wall and glowing control panel that she could see before her mind started to drift.

“Jennifer?” A soft voice spoke from the corridor to her left “I do not usually see you at this hour.”

Jennifer turned and smiled at Teyla “I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep.” Keller ignored Teyla’s knowing sympathy, she couldn’t handle a heart to heart right now, “Thought a walk to clear my head would be wise.” she looked around her a little lost “But now that I’m out here I don’t really know what to do with myself.”

Teyla stepped forward and linked arms with her, every movement slow and gentle. Jennifer’s eyes filled ever so slightly at her thoughtfulness, she found the skittishness was sometimes the most difficult thing to deal with “I will join you for a walk to the eastern pier and then we can grab an early breakfast at the cafeteria.” she looked over at Jennifer’s grateful expression “You are better company than the others, the men tend to be too talkative... unless its Ronon, he’s just tense, particularly at the moment.”

Jennifer opened her mouth to ask why they would be awake at this hour to join Teyla in her pre-dawn stroll but Teyla pre-empted her  “You are not the only one whose sleep is affected by what they experience off-world.”

With that revelation the two woman wound their way through the quiet city, nodding greetings when they happened across another soul, usually heading to their beds  after a long night working  rather than from them but the two women moved in silence, both trying to draw calm strength from the other, from the city itself, from the knowledge that they were in the company of friends.

Eventually, they found themselves in the corner of the cafeteria, both lost in their own thoughts as they lent against the wall, table between them and cups of tea cooling on its surface.

This was how Ronon and Sheppard found them at 0800 when they joined them for breakfast. The men struck up a light conversation with Teyla, allowing Jennifer to relax in the company of her friends and be lulled into a feeling of false security. Everything would be alright, she could deal with this. She was a doctor after all, who better to know if there was something wrong with her?

“Jennifer?” Rodney asked an hour later from the seat opposite her “Have you heard a word I’ve said?” she looked startled and he rolled his eyes “I ran into Nicky, your head nurse? She said to tell you you’re about to be late for a meeting.”

Jennifer looked at her watch to find it not there “Damn.” she exclaimed and jumped up “Sorry guys I’ll see you all later.”

“Sure.” Sheppard called after her, exchanging a quick glance with Ronon “I’ll swing by the infirmary and pick you up at 1.”

She rolled her eyes at the doors in front of her and waved her hand in acknowledgement.

Stupid boys , she thought with affection, they don’t think I can look after myself.

***

_ Darkness swirled in her dreams, unclaimed voices and soft giggles that set her teeth on edge but nothing threatened her, nothing jumped out, no dogs or fists or knives and yet Jennifer could help tensing at every new sensation- _

A hand on her shoulder jolted her out of her dark dreams into reality, her head flying up to look wildly around.

“Woah, sorry Doc.” her eyes flew to Sheppard as he stepped back trying to give her space as she readjusted.

“Sheppard” she croaked, noticing that she was in her office at her desk, her face, until moments ago, pressed against the paperwork she was filling out. She cleared her throat “What are you doing here?”

He raised an eyebrow “Lunch remember? How long have you been asleep?” his concern annoyed Jennifer and she stood up so she didn’t have to look up at him any longer.

“We’ve just had breakfast John, why are you bugging me?”

“Jen it’s 1 pm.” he looked her up and down, noticing the draw expression under her fading bruises “Are you all right?”

Jen sighed and turned to get her jacket from the back of her chair “Yes John I’m fine.” only a tin y twinge of guilt at the lie, “it was just a long meeting and I didn’t get much sleep last night. Shall we?”

John stepped back and allowed her to go first, Jen wondered if he was aware that he walked a step behind her when he felt protective and from the reaction of the people who walked towards them she guessed his expression was what caused then to give nothing more than a quick smile in greeting.

Lunch was loud, even with Ronon scaring away some researchers so they could have the table in the corner. It took Jennifer a couple of minutes to realise that Ronon and John had worked together to get her the table with her back to the wall and although she was grateful for the added security she now felt, the fact that they knew she needed it meant her mask was slipping. Damn it. Rodney kindly confirmed this when he sat down across from her with his laden tray “You look like hell, been up all night again doing paperwork?”

Jennifer glared at him “Thank you, Rodney, no.” damn, she immediately thought, that would have been a good excuse, “I just couldn’t seem to get comfortable so I didn’t sleep well.” Liiiiie, time for a change of topic “How is the cooling system going?”

Rodney turned an odd shade of pink and she looked at Sheppard when he laughed/choked on his coffee “Did n’t you hear?” he asked her “It turns out the monkeys with wrenches weren’t the problem.” he grinned at her , ignoring Rodney’s teeth grinding beside him “Rodney here had messed with a couple of the systems and accidentally altered the climate control units from 18 degrees Celsius to negative 18 degree Celsius.”

“It was an easy mistake to make.” Rodney said trying to save his pride “And f or the record, those monkeys turned  a 10-minute job into a 2 day one.”

“Damn those monkeys.” Jennifer managed to exclaim before joining the rest of the table in howling with laughter. It felt good to laugh.

Once the mirth died down and Rodney stopped blushing and stammering Teyla patted him on the arm and turned to Jennifer “Ronon tells me you’ve accepted his offer to teach you how to use his hand to hand fighting to protect yourself.”

Jennifer’s smile dropped as she remembered that yes, she had actually agreed to that “Err I guess, I’m still not sure I could umm fight like that.” she realised her excuse sounded lame but telling them she didn’t want to have someone she liked try to hit her because she was afraid of her own rea ctions would not go down well , “It just goes against everything I’ve  been taught as a doctor ” that at least, sounded believable.

Teyla’s offer to assist her in the transition from their light sparing sessions with a n evening of hand to hand to help her confidence was politely declined as she rose and explained that she had an appointment with one of the doctors.

That each of them bid her farewell and caught her eye before she left raised her spirits. Those people back there were her family, they bickered amongst themselves, teased and insulted but the moment one of them was threatened the rest were at their back and willing to do anything to protect them. And it seemed that she had been adopted by them, her fear of being an outsider now seeming a little silly, however with her recent dramas old fears were beginning to resurface and she struggled to remain confident in her  friends’ acceptance of her.

She sighed and turned the corner into the infirmary. Smiles as a few of the staff greeted and waved at her from across the room. “Jennifer.” Nicky, the head nurse beckoned her over to one of the few private rooms. “Here’s your gown.” she handed over a bundle of green fabric “I’ll be right back, we’ll have a look at you and get you away from here as so on as possible.” she winked and sashayed over to the doctor she had been trying to chat up for the past couple of months, whose eyes widened in something akin to fear. The weekly med girls coffee group knew every sordid detail of this chase. Poor man.

It took all of 5 minutes to strip and change while she tried to ignore the fact that she hated wearing a gown and hadn’t in fact, for over 10 years before this incident

“Oh, good ” Nicky exclaim ed when she peeked to see if Jennifer was ready “Let's check over your arm first, have you been having any problems with it?” she asked as she checked the strength of the fingers and for any pain with movement.

“Nothing too bad, I now get an ache when it’s cold but other than that its been fine.” she tried not to react when Nicky’s cool fingers tickled the inside of her elbow “I can’t exactly complain though, that machine is amazing, the breaks healed twice as fast as it should have and all I have to deal with is a li ght drain on my energy reserves ” .

Nicky pursed her lips at the m ention of the Atlantian medical equipment, used without the entire battery of tests it should have had. Jennifer, who had desperately wanted out of her cast, had had no problem with using it. She accepted the silent disapproval with a smile “Ev erything seems to be going well ” Nicky said cheerfully “You know not to lift anything too  heavy; no overdoing it...” she looked sceptic al “Then again you are a doctor ” .

Jennifer stuck out her tongue and lay down as Nicky moved to check her hip, luckily there seemed to be no complications and she was prompted to lie on her stomach “So how’s your pursuit of Mark going?” Jennifer asked trying to take her mind off the injuries her friend had to inspect “He doesn’t seem to be warming to you.”

“Yet ” Nicky said with obvious intent and parted the robe so she could inspect her back. If there was one thing she liked about Nicky it was that she didn’t hiss in sympathetic pain or comment on how horrible it must have been. She was cool and calm and clinical about it.

“Well love, everything seems to be healing nicely, there’s a patch over here.” she placed her hand lightly over Jennifer’s left kidney “Which still has a little way to go.” _the jolt of pain as the woman-child’s tongue ran across the open wounds on her lower back_ “But overall things are looking good. When you pop into work tomorrow I’ll run a strength test on your arm, a final nerve conduction and then you’ll be clear for physical duty.” Nicky patted her shoulder and asked her to sit up.

Jennifer groaned and dragged herself upright “In the weeks I’ve been off duty we haven’t found a machine to remove scar tissue have we?” she asked jokingly

Nicky frowned “No,” she said in a clipped voice and stepped forward to stand directly in front of Jennifer, one hand holding her chin as she checked over her fractured cheekbone, a probe and a couple of questions proved that, aside from the still fading bruises, it was healed.

She stepped back and handed Jennifer her clothes “You coming to coffee tomorrow? Marie’s shouting us all a cuppa this week.” Nicky’s grin was evident.

“So, you won the bet did you?” Jennifer chuckled and wiggled into her dress pants “Doctor Ellis has agreed to a date?”

“He has.” she said, grin growing to painful proportions “They’re having dinner together on Friday. I knew she’d get him eventually.”

Jennifer shook her head “He didn’t really have a choice did he.”

“Nope”


	5. Bad Luck Triggers

Jennifer looked up from tying her shoelace as the curtains around her bed were pulled aside by Nicky. “I have good news and I have bad news,” she said holding the results of her final medical test.

“Good news please.”

“All your tests are clear, your arm is a little weak but functional, your back is progressing as expected and your bloods are clean. I now pronounce you fit for light active duty.”

Jennifer grinned before remembering “And what’s the bad news?”

“I’ve just transferred a load of files onto your pad that needs to be checked and signed off on before tomorrow.” she grinned “Welcome back Doctor Keller.”

Jennifer stuck her tongue out as she hopped off the bed “Thanks, I’ll get right on  that.”

“Jen before you step out of the curtains and become my boss again I need to make sure, you are going to take it easy right? You went through a hell of-”

“I’m fine,” Jennifer said with more force than she had meant to “Really, I am and work will keep me busy enough to keep my head on straight.” She just smiled when Nicky tried to make her promise to take it slow and stepped out of the curtains.

Things were going to get better now.

* * *

As Jen was leaving her office she realised something of great importance - she had been cleared to have caffeine again! Coffee was now in her immediate future

It took a bit of speed walking and a sweet smile followed by a plea to get coffee at this time from the cafeteria but Jennifer managed to have a steaming mug in front of her when she sat down to meet her newly appointed IOA therapist.

Dr Grant was a kind looking older man with glasses and greying hair but all Jennifer wanted to do was hit him sometimes “Today isn’t really about digging deep or making you face any fears Jennifer, it takes a while for trust to be earned. I was hoping that we could do a very calm, basic walkthrough of the days you were held captive to give me a baseline.” she tried not to glare at him but how was reliving the worst days of her life going to be basic and calm?

“Sure.” she said with a smile, _all I want to do is run away from my memories screaming and hide in a small corner where reality will never find me again but let us discuss them in detail shall we?_ , “Where would you like to start?” Jennifer took a slow deep breath, trying to calm her racing heart “I was at the village in their medical hut when I heard gunfire” ...

The session went relatively well, Jennifer managed to keep the descriptions detailed enough for the doctor while crushing any major emotions that tried to rise. Dr Grant watched her as she walked him through her pain and frustration, asked few questions and merely thanked her and scheduled another appointment before letting her leave. Jennifer had had to leave her half-full cup of coffee on the table because she didn't want to reveal the tremor in her hands. She held Dr Grant personally responsible for her loss.

With her head in the clouds from a successful session and the knowledge that she was free for the rest of the night, Jennifer missed Joe-The-Scientist with his head bent over his tablet working to the deadline Zelenka had set him.

The collision was spectacular; Joe had raised his tablet to read a particularly small number string and Jennifer was thinking about all the things she could do with a free evening. Neither saw the other, neither knew what had hit them and neither could work out what the probability was that the corner of the raised tablet was at the exact height of Jennifer’s left eye.

The collision was observed by only one military personnel and a nurse, they looked on in horror as Jennifer immediately flattened herself against the wall and hunched up in defence of an unseen foe, fear was written across her face as she covered her eyes with a trembling hand.

_All Jennifer knew was that one moment she was walking down the corridor of Atlantis and in the next she had been sprawled on her back, pressed against a dank rock wall with pain bursting from her eye._

_Where were they? She couldn’t see the Brutes in the dark of the cave but they had to be near, their laughter still echoed around her._

_“Dr Keller?” a voice in the distance called her._

_“Now, now, wildcat, don’t just sit there.” a foot swung out of the dark and she scrambled out of the way just before it connected with her head “RUN!” one of them bellowed and she whimpered in fear._

_“Dr Keller? Why don’t-” a gentle hand landed on her shoulder and she shrieked._

“Please no, no, no, no, no, no, nononono.” Lieutenant Samuels watched as the doctor covered her head with her arms and shrank even further into the corner of the corridor.

“Ok, ok, Dr Keller,” he said, hands combing through his cropped hair as his mind raced, this was so not what he was trained for. Trying to sound authoritative and gentle (trying to sound like Colonel Sheppard if he was honest) “I need you to look at me Doc” he held up his hands and knelt in front of her, ignoring nurse Nicky who was clearing the crowd with harsh words and open threats of violence at the gawkers during their next physical if they spoke of it “Doc, you’re on Atlantis, you’re safe.” the arms lost some of their tension “That’s it, you’re safe, can you look at me?”

_Jennifer sat huddled into the dark, her panicked breath coming fast enough to force little whimpers from her, please not again, I can’t do this again, I’m not strong enough, I’m going to die._

_“Jennifer, please look at me.”_

_“No.” she managed to whisper. Talking to the voices in the shadows is never a good idea and the men with fists and heavy boots might come back. Deep laughter echoes from the darkness again and Jennifer sobbed, braced for the onslaught that doesn’t arrive “Where are you?”_

_“Right in front of you.”_

_Jennifer uncurled cautiously and peered into the darkness waiting for the steel-capped boots to come at her. Kneeling in the darkness, blurry around the edges, was lieutenant Samuels with his hands raised and a worried frown on his face “What are you doing here?”_

_“Dr Keller you’re-” he cut off when she grabbed him by the shoulders_

_“Get out! Run before they find you!”_

_“No Dr Keller, you don’t understand you’re-” Jennifer tried to shove him towards the cave entrance but he spun her and wrapped his arms around her middle trapping her arms at her sides_

_“What are you doing?! Lieutenant, you need to get out of here, they’ll find you and they’ll-” her voice was choked off when her struggling caused the arms to tighten_

_“Dr Keller, you’re in Atlantis, you’re safe and you’re home. We got you back.”_

Jennifer caught a memory of seeing Ronon and Sheppard, Teyla and Rodney standing around her grave “Atlantis?” the cave walls blurred and the damp smell receded.

“Yes.” a strained voice came from behind her “Dr Keller if I let go will you freak out?”

“No.” she whispered as the corridor swam into view. The arms around her relaxed and she caught herself against the wall as her legs threatened to give out. “I’m sorry Lieutenant,” she said in a small voice as she turned around “and Nicky,” she mumbled, noting detachedly the death stares Nicky was giving to every passerby, “I’m fine” they both looked at her in disbelief “Please,” she said, pulling away from the Lieutenant when he reached out a steadying hand as she shuffled past “Really I’m ok, I just had a flashback because,” she touched her swelling eye, remembering the cause of it all “Where did he go?”

“I sent him to the infirmary.” Nicky spoke up, her voice firm and soft, never was Jennifer more grateful for her than at this moment, “He got a bloody nose and seems terrified someone was going to exact revenge on your behalf.”

“That’s redic…” Jennifer paused and rethought “Please assure him that he is safe, I will make certain those two understand the situation and how I would feel about him being punished” she sighed tiredly and wrapped her shaking arms around her middle “I’m… I’m going to go now. Thank you for… this.” Jennifer walked away with her head low, trying (and failing) to not make it look like she was fleeing.

Nicky silenced Lieutenant Samuels’ protests and watched her boss shuffle away as if she hadn’t had weeks of healing. She remembered the first week Jennifer was back and how she constantly had her arms wrapped around her middle and head down looking as submissive as she could without actually kneeling at your feet. Turning back to the slightly stunned looking lieutenant she squared her shoulders “If you use this to gossip around the dining table tonight you’ll never receive pain meds from any of the medical team. For anything. Ever. Again. Do you understand?”

The man nodded, fully aware she had the power and faithful staff to follow through “Yes ma’am.”

“Smart boy, off you go”

Jennifer reached her quarters and locked the door before crumpling in a heap on the floor, her palms flat against the cool ground as she sucked in huge lungfuls of air that made her head spin.

Today was not what she had hoped it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I know, it's a bit of a messy chapter but it's done


	6. Cracks and Comfort

Rodney dropped his tray on the table and fell into his seat “Long afternoon?” Sheppard asked. 

“Yeah.” 

Sheppard raised an eyebrow at the unusually succinct answer from the scientist but let it lie. No need to provoke a long-winded and ultimately pointless response. “Chatty bunch aren’t we”

Ronon grunted and Teyla smiled. 

“I think the hike back from the last village this morning has worn us all out, John” Teyla offered “And Ronon did carry the rock samples back.” Ronon glared at Rodney who had his mouth too full to retort. 

Why people feel the need to place stargates on the top of mountains was beyond Sheppard “Has anyone seen Jennifer?” 

Rodney held up his hand and took a moment to swallow “I stopped by her quarters to see if she wanted to eat but no reply, I had assumed she was working.” 

“No, no shift tonight.” Ronon supplied, “I stopped by the infirmary on my way here, she hasn’t been in since lunch.” 

The team glanced at each other “I’m sure she is fine. She has probably just gone for a walk to enjoy the beautiful day.” Teyla’s reassurance did little to help the growing unease in the pit of Sheppard’s stomach. 

The table subsided back into silence as they returned to their plates, each of them trying to unwind from a long day by soaking in the familiar chatter around them. Conversations about the day just gone, plans for the week, gossip, someone bemoaning the pile of paperwork they just couldn’t seem to fob off to someone else. 

“Did you hear? He’s sleeping with Cora from bio and her wife found out. You should have seen his face when she threw the coffee at him!” the table roared with laughter and started taking bets on how long the poor sod would stay. 

“But that’s not what I'm saying-” ... “Yes it is, you’re questioning her ability to lead the...” 

“No, no his son is Gabriel, his daughter is named Maxine” … “I know, it doesn’t help that Gabby and Max are twins” 

“She freaked out in the middle of the corridor, I heard she tried to shoot him.” Sheppard frowned and tried to focus on who they were talking about. He glanced at Ronon who had stopped eating to focus as well, both sharing a look; it seemed there was drama outside of their unlucky little group for once. 

“Surely they can’t expect us to be happy working with her? What if it happens again?” 

“Karen,” said a crisp voice from the table behind “You keep that blade of a tongue in your mouth and if I hear you speaking ill of our chief again you’ll be on bedpan duty for a month.” Sheppard had a bad feeling about this and glanced up to see Ronon gripping his knife with white knuckles. He caught Ronon’s eye and shook his head slightly. 

“Yes, Nicky… but what if she tried to shoot someone else? I don’t want to die because Dr Keller decides she-” Teyla laid a restraining hand on Ronon’s arm as he tried to stand, violent intent in his eyes. 

“You’re new here so I will allow you this doubt - but only once. Dr Keller has had to deal with a lot recently and this gossiping is an insult to her and everyone who has been getting her through it" John noticed her glance at him briefly before continuing, he suspected at least for their benefit "if our chief has a flashback in the corridor, because of an idiot scientist whose inobservance causes her to be bowled over, then you will have enough respect to NOT use it as fodder for gossip.” Karen opened her mouth to say something but Nicky cut her off “You will never do this again.” she caught sight of Ronon, still half raised from his chair “Or you will not just have me to deal with.” the young nurse followed Nicky’s gaze and nodded with wide eyes. 

The room, silent as the medical staff had a domestic, burst back into life and Ronon stood up “I’m going to find her.” 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea Chewie” Ronon looked furious at being stopped. Sheppard glanced at Teyla for help. 

“Do you think you can keep that anger hidden?” she asked her hand releasing his arm to tap the back of the hand where it still clutched the knife “Because the moment Jennifer sees even a hint of it you’re going to make things so much worse.” 

Ronon’s hand clenched the knife tighter and his other hand balled into a fist as he struggled to think past his instincts “I’m going to the training mats, find me when you’ve talked to her.” the words were rough as he forced them past the protective fury blooming in his chest, the tension eased in Sheppard’s shoulders only once Ronon passed a terrified Nurse Karen without reaction. 

One down. 

* * *

_Knock knock knock_ “Keller?” 

Silence 

_Knock knock knock_ “Keller” 

Silence 

“I know you’re in there, I search everywhere in the populated sections of Atlantis and couldn’t find you.” 

She leant against the door and stayed resolutely silent. 

“And then I checked the life signs detector. You’re in your room… Open up Jen” 

The door slid open and revealed a pale Jennifer with a glass of red wine in hand “That’s cheating” 

“Can I come in?” Jen stepped aside and let him enter. John relaxed when he saw the bottle of wine still mostly full “Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to be drinking?” 

She raised an eyebrow but kept her head down, not have the heart to remind him who the doctor was “It’s going to help me sleep, calm down.” she exclaimed at the expression she caught on Johns face in the reflection of the window “I've been just using sleeping pills since the... incident, but do you know how addictive those things are? A couple of glasses of wine will let me get to sleep tonight and to be honest,” she sat on the bed and John noticed her shoulders droop “I could do with some peace in my head.” Jennifer raised her chin and he saw her face properly for the first time, he swore as he finally saw what she had been hiding from him. The swelling was starting to go down around her left eye and the bright purple bruise had begun forming under it but she was going to have one hell of a black eye in the morning

John swallowed his first comment and took a deep breath “That’s quite a shiner you’ve got there.” Jennifer’s hand fluttered halfway to her face before she could control the instinct that told her to hide it. 

“Yeah, I bumped into someone in the corridor today, caught the corner of his tablet with my face. Some luck huh?” she tried to laugh but it sounded hollow. 

“I heard.” was all John said but Jennifer looked at him closely. 

“What did you hear?” 

John sat on the couch across from her and decided to skip to the core of the problem “That your PTSD is not as sorted as you would have us believe” 

“Damn it!” Jennifer Jumped up and John rose to stand in front of her “I don’t have PTSD!” 

“You do.” he held her by her shoulders and looked at her with sad understanding “I don’t know how you’ve kept it from your therapists but they’re idiots to not see it” 

Jennifer tried to twist out of his grip but he held her still “Stop it, Sheppard, Dr Grant is doing his job, we’re working on things” 

“Have you lied to him?” 

“What?” she said confused “Of course I haven’t” 

“Would you lie to me?” 

Jennifer stopped struggling and looked up at him “No” 

“How did you break your wrist?” 

Jennifer ground her teeth and forced her voice to remain steady as she repeated her lie “I tripped” 

John looked disappointed and let go of her, sitting on the couch with his forearms on his knees, avoiding eye contact. He took a deep breath and fixed his gaze on the corner of her rug “Carson was worried about you” he said, knowing he could get Carson in trouble if this conversation didn't go well. Jennifer sat back on the bed and tried to work out where this turn of conversation was going “And before he left he talked briefly to us about you” 

“Us?” Jennifer asked in a small voice. 

“Me, Ronon, Teyla and Rodney.” John looked up at her then “He told us that you’ve been lying to your therapist. That your wrist showed signs of a stressed fracture and the way it was broken meant your body weight was hanging fully from your wrists.” his expression was sad “But none of that was in your report. What else have you kept from us, Keller? What else are you trying to deal with yourself? What don't you trust us to know?” 

“I… I can’t” Jennifer took a shaky breath “I’m sorry but I just can’t open that box yet. It full of dark and scary things, and" she took a shuddering breath "and I’m afraid.” her voice broke and tears slipped down her cheeks, John moved to sit beside her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders “I’m afraid if I open it all the darkness will infect me and I’ll never get it out. I don’t want to be this broken person John, I just want to go back to the person I was” she was openly sobbing now "I use to be proud of how strong I was, I could be relied upon and was confident in my abilities, I socialised and, and, and I do trust you, it's just that I'm not sure I'm strong enough yet" Jennifer twisted and buried her face in his shoulder so he had to strain to hear her muffled words “I can’t seem to have fun anymore, I jump at every loud noise and I haven’t slept a full night in weeks. But the worst is that things in Atlantis remind me of it; the smell of dirt on the geologists, unexpected male laughter and poorly lit corners. I’m afraid of the dark John, I am already dealing with too much. Please don’t make me relive the rest of it.” 

“Ok, ok.” John’s hand on her back rubbed gentle circles “But when you’re ready.” he left the offer hanging. 

Jennifer pulled away and smiled sheepishly “I’ll go to you guys, I promise” she stood and wiped her eyes “Thank you, John, I know you’re just looking out for me” he stood, patted her on the shoulder and opened the door “Umm,” Sheppard turned back to watch Jennifer bite her lip in thought “how did you know what had happened?” 

John winced internally and decided ‘gossip’ wasn’t the right answer today “Nicky told me. Don’t look like that.” he said quickly as Jennifer’s face clouded over “She has your back, it’s a shame you can’t give her a raise.” Jennifer nodded and decided not to push “Sleep well Doc.” 

* * *

Ronon’s fury burnt through him, his every action a little faster, a little stronger, a little fiercer than was usual. There was nothing that seemed to be able to calm him, the terrified and sweat-drenched man trying to keep up with him couldn’t penetrate the crushing sense of helplessness. A particularly vicious strike sent the man to the floor again, now with a bleeding nose. 

He was soon hauled off the floor by the crowd of spectators and another cocky soldier took his place. Ronon watched him with a blank face, the furnace in him burning away everything else as they circled, fists curled around batons and eyes watching for any weakness. 

Ronon would be the first to admit he didn’t do well when the problem couldn’t be solved physically and the protective instincts he had for the doctor demanded he fix it.

The new victim crossed one foot in front of the other for a moment and Ronon pounced, a strike to the ribs and a foot behind the knees had him on the floor in a second and it took a moment for Ronon to remember not to follow through with a crippling strike. The man scrambled up from the floor eyeing Ronon warily and they circled again. 

Idiot.


	7. Sticks and Stones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sheppard helps Ronon work through some issues and Jen and Ronon finally talk

The first things John heard as he neared were cheering and groans with the steady beat of training sticks in the background, a fresh wave of laughter and groans of disappointment greeted John as he stepped into the training room to find a crowd surrounding the mats, Ronon’s dreads could be seen in the centre as the crowd broke to let a young soldier through supported by two friends “Gorse, what’s going on here?”

Major Gorse glanced back and winced in sympathy as the tapping started up again “Sir, Ronon stormed in about an hour ago, picked up the training batons and laid a challenge to anyone willing to try and take him down"  Gorse shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot “After the first three men went down without so much as landing a hit it became more of a competition between all of us.”

“And how many went down before you?” Sheppard asked with an arched brow. If his men wanted a beating that was their business so long as they could still work.

“Uhh, I don’t rightly know sir, I was at the mess when Rylac radioed me, I think there were 6 before I arrived and another 2 after that.” He looked embarrassed “He just moves so fast sir, I don’t know how you can train with him, he’s inhuman.”

John smiled and nodded to the two men supporting Gorse “Off you go... and tell Nurse Nicky that it should stop soon so don’t bother sending anyone down.”

“Yes sir.” they all said in crisp unity before shuffling off.

Pushing his way through the small crowd of bodies he reached the edge of the mat in time to see another of his men fall. The cheering was quieter as his presence had been noticed and his men watched him to see what he was going to do. As the latest victim was assisted off the mats John assessed Ronon.

The man looked possessed, eyes wild and searching, his hair, tied back at the beginning of the evening, was now coming out of the knot and, Sheppard noted, he was starting to tire, sweating and panting.

A new opponent stepped onto the mat and reached for the batons but Sheppard caught his eye and shook his head before stripping off his jacket and shoes. Not taking his eyes off Ronon as he picked up the batons he addressed the crowd who had stilled at his actions “Clear out.” there was no question that that was an order from their commanding officer “Ronon and I need to talk.” as the two men started to circle each other the crowd started to disperse, Sheppard didn’t expect them all to leave  b ut hopefully they would at least be out of earshot.

“Sheppard, ” Ronon said clipped and predatory.

Neither of them let their eyes shift.

One foot in front of the other

Batons held against their arms.

“Ronon, ” Sheppard said in warning, Goosebumps running over him when Ronon’s only response was a feral smile. This was not going as he had hoped... Plan B it is. Sheppard went in for the strike, aiming low and keeping light in his feet, baton lightning fast as he lunged and twisted away, months of training showing in his movements.

He didn’t stand a chance.

Ronon twisted and swung an arm around, catching Sheppard in the back with his baton shielded arm, hours and hours of training was the only thing that kept Sheppard from dropping his batons then. Refusing to give Ronon time to think Sheppard spun straight into another move, managing to clip Ronon behind the knee before darting away, the ef fect of this was instantaneous; Ronon gave up all pretence of control and came at John swinging.

The soldiers watching winced at every sharp hit that Ronon landed against Sheppard’s shielded arms, they stirred as it went on and they realised that their colonel was holding his own.

Sheppard str uggled against the onslaught of an enraged Ronon, watching for the mistake he was bound to make soon... boy did he hope it would be soon “Ronon.” block, block, strike “I’ve talked to Jennifer, she’s” dodge, strike “damn it, Ronon, she’s OK!” Sheppard’s anger slipped out and he forced Ronon back a few steps.

Ronon took a swipe at John’s head and he was forced to duck and skip back “No, she’s not.” Ronon said sounding frustrated

Sheppard stumbled “Fine, you’re right.” he admitted and the circled each other again, breathing heavily “But she’s admitting that now” Ronon grunted but didn’t comment on the unlikelihood of it “She would like to see you, I think” Sheppard hit a grin as Ronon’s expression went blank in surprise “And I think those lessons you promised her wouldn’t go amiss either.” Sheppard relaxed slightly as he saw Ronon’s anger drain from him “So what do you say big guy? Do you-” Ronon swept in, knocking John’s feet out from under him “Ooow” John wheezed from his splayed position of the floor.

He just lay there trying to get his wind back as Ronon towered over him grinning “Don’t let your guard down, I thought I had beaten that into you already”

“Yeah” Sheppard groaned and reached up a hand so Ronon could haul him up. Sheppard regained his footing and patted Ronon on the back “Next time” he said, “Next time I’ll drop you”

Ronon just chuckled as walked away.

“Hey!” Sheppard shouted in indignation at Ronon's amusement

* * *

Jennifer had waited until what she hoped was late enough that the halls and cafeteria would be empty before she ventured out to get dinner. When she did so she had her hair out and head down in the hopes that it would hide the impressive black eye she now sported. She managed to make it all of 5 metres. 

“Doc”

“Well,” she mumbled under her breath “Why would my luck get any better now?” Trying to keep her head lowered and hair across her eye without it looking too awkward Jennifer turned to face Ronon and smiled, and then thought twice about that when the smile tugged at her bruise “Ronon, I hope you’ve been well?”

Ronon nodded but didn’t further the conversation, leaving them both standing awkwardly in the middle of the corridor “Umm... Well, good night.” Jennifer stammered and tried to walk past Ronon without it looking like she was fleeing. She ignored something deep in her that desperately wanted a safe shoulder to cry on, she was sure the only reason her brain considered Ronon was because he had helped save her, it was not an appropriate thing to ask someone who, let's be honest, she barely knew. 

“Wait, Jennifer,” Ronon said softly, a hand settling on her shoulder and turning her to face him again. Her eyes dropped to his feet “I heard about what happened today” a finger slipped under her chin and she thought about fighting it. Instead, she closed her eyes unable to look Ronon in the face “Did you know my people wore their marks with pride, it was a sign you had learnt something from a fight.”

Jennifer kept her eyes closed, focused on the heat radiating from their single point of contact “Well, I’ll try to remember that next time I do battle with a computer” she quipped. An amused hum from Ronon got her to finally open her eyes and they stood like that for a moment, his hand not moving from her face as they looked at each other. Jennifer broke the gaze first, withdrawing and wrapping her arms around herself for comfort against the sudden memories “I have been meaning to thank you for weeks now, it seems we never get a chance to talk now that I’m back” a deep breath and another small step back gives her enough courage to look him in the eye again “Thank you for finding me, I remember so little of that day but I do remember you carrying me away from”  _ my grave _ “that pit and I heard you refused to give up on me. I don’t even know how to-”

“Doc really it was nothing, I-”

“But it wasn’t, I had given up and-”

“And we nearly arrived too late, we thought we had arrived too late. You were half-buried, bloodied and bruised...” he trailed off as the memory swam into view in his head

Jennifer smiled cautiously and shook her hear “But you didn’t. I am alive and ... well.” Jennifer tried not to choke on the lie

“At least we got the guy for you, that should give you some peace of mind at least.”

Jennifer fought hard to keep her face from betraying her. Why had she lied about the other woman? At the time it had seemed like such a good idea but at every turn she was reminded of the one loose end to the whole incident “Yeah” she stammered and dropped her eyes back to his feet “Well, goodnight.” and walked away.

“Sleep well, Jennifer” he murmured in reply

She swallowed and didn’t look back “You too” and if those two words were a little strangled neither of them commented.


	8. Running

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer is plagued by nightmares and thinks going for a run might help.   
> Spoiler alert. It doesn't.

Jennifer stumbled back to her rooms after a gruelling and unexpected double shift, her first since her return. As she closed the door behind her she had the chance to fleetingly hope she would actually sleep through the night this time before she dragged her shirt wearily over her head and rolled into bed, groaning as her aching joints relaxed and she fell immediately into an exhausted sleep. 

***

_ Jennifer ran. _

_ Terror and adrenaline surged through her exhaustion, forcing her forward past the point that any sane person would have dropped and then beyond  _

_ The woods were dark and silent, her gasping, sobbing breath the only thing to break it at that moment.  _

_ But he was coming. _

_ With a certainty that only came in dreams, Jennifer knew that they were close on her heels. Great big men, with tempers to match, and dogs with teeth that longed to tear flesh  _

_ Lilly’s screams tore through the air and she surged on faster than before, but with no destination in mind and her thoughts scrambled with fear she knew it was inevitable that they would catch her. _

_ The hot breath of the dog at her heels  _

_ Hands snatching at her hair  _

_ She stumbled and glanced down at her bare feet on the uneven ground, pine needles and twigs giving way to rocks and sticks bent on making her stumble  _

_ A sob tore from her throat as she felt teeth on her ankle and her feet were pulled out from under her  _

_ Hands on her, rolling her over  _

_ A heavy body pinning her to the ground  _

_ Jennifer fought like a wild cat but the figure just gave a masculine chuckle. Terrified and frantic Jennifer forced her knee up so she could get her foot under her and shoved him off with her hips  _

And wound up on the floor of her room 

Instinct still drove her as she scuttled back into a corner of her room, knees tight to her chest and her shoulders hunched, ready for a blow from the dark 

Slowly reality reasserted itself and her muscles started to relax.

A dream, it was just a dream. 

Just a dream but the fear she had felt was real enough to have her hyperaware of her surroundings, and the adrenaline was still thundering through her system, the urge to run was so strong she couldn’t keep still until eventually she just tugged on some sweats, a tee and trainers and stepped out into the hall. 

The lights were dimmed as the city went through its night cycle and a glance through the windows showed a steel grey pre-dawn sky. Fantastic. 

As she started to jog Jen let her thoughts wander, the path she took through the city was aimless but no one was really up at this hour so she had free reign of the corridors.

The reason for her run soon became the subject of her thoughts and even with the proof of her rescue surrounding her, she could almost hear the panting of dogs and the light footfalls of her captors. Jen unconsciously picked up her pace 

The run through the forest that she had attempted when she had escaped on the faraway planet swam through her mind. 

Faster. 

Remembering that feral dog only inches from her with nothing stopping its handler from setting it on her except a quick instruction to not break the ‘toy’ pushed the adrenaline level from extreme to mind-scrambling. 

Faster 

Through Jennifer’s laboured breath a whimper escaped and she glanced behind her, half expecting to see the animals on her heels. Sweat poured off her as her strained body was pushed further than it had been in weeks, the sweat finding her almost healed back and setting it aflame. 

Ghostly trees shimmered against the walls of Atlantis and Jennifer could feel her feet sink into the leafy mulch 

Jennifer couldn’t spare a glance behind her as the sound of footsteps grew louder, echoing oddly through the trees. “oh God, oh God, oh God” she sobbed between gasps. Trying to lose them, she darted between trees, taking random lefts and rights when the trees opened up like corridors. Soon Jennifer noticed an odd smell; wet mental tainted the damp moss that had been there previously and it had grown colder and darker as she continued her escape. 

No distractions. 

She sped ahead, not caring that her recently dislocated hip was aching now, joining her mostly healed back and exhausted brain in a rhythmic pulse of pain. 

*** 

Ronon heard footfalls and changed direction to see who was doing their morning run at this early hour, usually, he did it solo, even Sheppard wasn’t willing to join him. A flash of familiar blonde hair around the corner ahead of him told him it was Jennifer and the ragged gasps for breath and flat out speed meant it probably wasn’t a pleasure run. “Shit” Ronon mumbled under his breath as he picked up the pace and followed at a distance that he hoped wouldn’t spook her. 

*** 

She was so close to safety. 

She didn’t know where it was exactly but she could feel it. If she just pressed on a little longer she could rest but no sooner had she thought it but her ankle rolled under her, the tree root brought her to a gasping, whimpering, drenched halt as her killer’s footsteps neared. 

*** 

He knew that staying close was fuelling Jennifer’s flashback but she kept taking random turns and ducking out of sight, barely stopping for doors to open for her. He could hear her terrified gasps, knew that whatever happened next would have to be handled delicately, he wished he was running with Teyla, she was always better at delicacy than he was. 

Ronon swore and sped up when Jennifer took another turn and darted through doors that lead to an outdoor platform. He made it through just in time to see Jennifer trip and fall, her hands out to catch herself on the cold metal. 

In an attempt to not scare her any further Ronon stopped and held his hands out to his sides trying to look less threatening. It didn’t seem to work because Jennifer scrambled backwards on her feet and damaged hands sobbing and pleading until her back hit a support pillar. Ronan locked eyes with her and slowly lowered himself to the ground to prevent him towering over her “Jennifer you’re safe, I promise” there was no response, her eyes still wide with unseen horror “Jennifer look at me” he commanded. Jennifer flinched but her eyes snapped to his “What is my name?” 

It took her a few seconds but she stuttered it out 

“Keep your eyes on me” she nodded mutely “you are on Atlantis. You are safe” she frowned but Ronon watched as her eyes glance about and she started to relax. Once she was more or less sitting against the pillar Ronon tried to shuffle to sit beside her but the moment he moved she cringed and started to hyperventilate so he settled down well out of reach and stared out across the sea, trying to think of what he could do to help. 

They sat in tense silence for a few moments before Ronon started to talk again “you remind me of a friend of mine sometimes” he started quietly “she was our village healer too. Her name was Saffrine. When we were growing up we use to play together because our mothers were friends. There was this one time she found a puddle, we must have been about 7 summers old, and decided to make mud balls to throw at me” Ronon chuckled at the memory and tried not to pay Jennifer too much attention as he felt her focus turn to him “I wasn’t to be outdone and so made my own from the pond behind the house. Our mothers should have been furious with us when we came home covered in mud but they just howled with laughter and tossed us off the wharf into the deep end of the pond to clean up” He sighed sadly “I miss her." 

*** 

Jennifer watched Ronon as he spoke of his life before the wrath, a wistful expression flitting across it, smiling at the good memories. She realised then that she knew almost nothing about Ronon’s past and was touched that he would share such cherished memories.

She hugged her knees to her chest and rested her cheek on them as the forest slowly receded from her mind. 

*** 

Ronon watched Jennifer’s shoulders relax as he spoke on “When we were 15 a boy started courting her, I was so sure she would get distracted and stop hanging out with me but she never did” a soft smile lit Ronon’s face “two years later I gave her away at their wedding. Saf’s Father had died when she was a baby and she had no siblings” Ronon shot Jennifer a rueful smile “I was sure my heart would break when the wedding was announced, I thought I was in love with her. Wasn’t until years later that I learnt what love was” Ronon took a moment to savour the happy memories before setting them aside “Now, Grafe, you don’t remind me of at all” he said with a grin “we were neighbours growing up and I remember him being the biggest…”

The storytelling went on. Ronon shared more in that time than he had in the years since becoming a runner. As each story finished he slowly shifted himself over until he leant against the pillar beside her. When the sun had risen over the horizon and it was light enough to see Jennifer shivering Ronon stood slowly and offered his hand. Jennifer stared at with residual wariness for a moment before accepting. 

*** 

Her legs were stiff and she now realised how cold she was in contrast to the warm hand holding hers. How he managed that, having been out here just as long as her, she didn’t know.

Although she told him she didn’t need it Ronon insisted on escorting her to her door. The walk itself was done in silence but once they neared her door Ronon turned to her “the offer to spar still stands” Jennifer sighed and nodded “you can’t be forced to do it but many of us would rest better knowing you’re able to defend yourself, especially with your luck” 

Jennifer winced but didn’t dispute it “I understand that but I’m a doctor, I shouldn’t need to-” 

“At least try” Ronon cut in 

Jennifer frowned up at him but he looked so determined and after a brief staring contest she groaned in defeat “fine. I’ll do it, Just… don’t expect much” 

Ronon grinned “we will start slow but I will train you until you can drop Sheppard. Good night Jennifer” Ronon walked off leaving her staring at his back, mouth agape. 

“Shit” she muttered and swallowed against a suddenly dry mouth before entering her suite to get ready for her next shift.


	9. Fighting and naps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer's lessons finally begin with mixed results and the team gather for some much needed downtime

“and then I said to him ‘Charles, put down the donkey and help me with the mermaid would you, she keeps trying to bite me” 

“Mmhmm” Jennifer hummed 

“and then the unicorn stole my jetpack and went... Jennifer” 

“Mmhmm?” Jennifer looked up from her tablet and stared blankly at her friend

“Jennifer you haven’t heard a word I’ve said for the last 20 minutes and you’ve been fidgety all day” Nicky gave her a sympathetic smile when Jen finally blinked and blushed “it’s ok, really, I get it” 

“You do?” Jennifer asked, trying not to sound worried. She had been trying to hide her every-growing jumpiness all day and it was exhausting. 

“Rumour has it you asked Ronon to teach you sparing” 

“No... well yes sort of” Jennifer stuttered “he talked me into it” 

“Well, what normal human being wouldn’t be nervous before starting their first sparing session with Ronon? And as the chief, I bet you’ve seen a whole bunch of your ‘predecessors’ come through this med bay” she gestured broadly at the two bays they usually received Ronon's sparring partners for treatment of their cuts, fractures and swelling. 

Jennifer smiled in relief before quickly smothering it and nodding. She was nervous about the session, yes, but it had nothing to do with her physical safety and everything to do with trying to keep it mentally together enough to not be a huge embarrassment as she is forced to relive her nightmares “you’re right or course, I’m just hoping he’ll go easy on me” Nicky’s expression did not go far in convincing her that was likely and she grinned ruefully “good point” she said with a groan “I’ll make sure we’re well-stocked in suture kits and splints before I leave” 

Nicky patted her on the back “you’re shift ended 10 minutes ago Doc, I’ll check the stocks, you go get ready for your ‘sparing’ session” Jennifer thanked her and decided to ignore how much the word ‘sparring’ had sounded like something akin to ‘battle’. 

Everything was going to be O.K.. Now she just had to convince her stomach to stop doing flips. 

*** 

“Hey Doc,” John said from his position against the wall, looking much like he had just run a marathon as he stretched his legs. She was grateful for the empty gym. The fewer to witness this the better. 

“Jennifer” Teyla greeted her with a smile from the floor as she contorted into a stretch of her own. 

Teyla studied a pale Jennifer, nervously wiping her hands on her shorts. The bruises had faded to nothing, bones were healed and what little of her back that Teyla could see around her tank top seemed healed, albeit scarred, but Teyla wondered how healed she was within her heart “perhaps you would like me to show you some basic-” 

Jennifer was quick to decline “No, no, but thank you Teyla” her nervous smile wobbly but genuine. 

“Are you sure? It might help with the nerves” 

Jennifer winced “that obvious?” Teyla decided not to answer, just giving her a sympathetic smile 

“You’ll be fine Doc,” John said, lending her support “Ronon’s a good teacher and you’re smart, you’ll pick it up” 

“Was that a complement Sheppard?” Ronon’s voice rumbled from the door 

“Nope, must be hearing things buddy” 

“Wouldn’t be the first time” Ronon beckoned Jen over to the far wall and silently gestured for her to copy him as he went through stretches “I must have been hearing things when I was in the mess hall and I heard you say I was a better shooter than you” Ronon call across the room 

“Yep!” 

Ronon chuckled and a couple of minutes later guided Jen to the thick practice mats, continuing to John “and then I must have been hearing things last week when you-” 

“You should see a doctor about that Chewie, it's not healthy to be hearing things that aren't there” 

“I am,” Ronon said with a quick wink to Jennifer 

As the brotherly banter died down and John and Teyla took a seat against the wall to watch, Ronon began teaching Jennifer the very basics; how to fall safely. Over and over again Jennifer made herself tumble until she had gathered enough bruises and Ronon was satisfied for today. 

The two watching Jennifer could see her slowly gaining confidence. Her movements were sharper, faster, stronger and the tense expression of concentration on her face turned into a grin. Teyla and John murmured comments about the speed of Jennifer’s improvement, Ronon just grinned with fierce pride. It was going so well that none of them would have predicted what would happen next; as Ronon moved them smoothly from lessons in footwork and leverage to a gentle sparing session Jennifer struggled to remember everything she had been taught while dealing with the hand coming towards her. It took one foot out of step and Jennifer had fallen backwards, fallen into the dark cave, cowering from the shadowed man standing over her laughing maliciously. 

Teyla held back a hastily risen John with a hand on his arm, her expression tense with both concern and expectation "more people will not help" she murmured as John turned back to watch Ronon crouch in front of Jennifer. 

Ronon’s heart sank as he saw Jennifer scuttle away from him, pressing her back against the wall and trembling with frozen fear, her eyes squeezed tightly shut “Jennifer?” he said softly as he crouched in front of her and only just within reach, trying to appear as unthreatening as possible. He restrained his growl of frustration when Jennifer whimpered as he laid a hand on her knee and took a calming breath instead, “you’re on Atlantis, Jennifer. You're safe” 

“Ronon” she whispered with panting breath “I’m sorry. I know it isn’t real, I’m just...” she sobbed and reached out to grab his hand tightly “I’m so afraid I might be wrong” 

“You’re not” he murmured, pausing to see if that reassurance was enough but although tears fell from her eyes they stayed tightly shut “listen to the sounds around you... do you hear that laughter in the distance? That’s Radick, no doubt Rodney’s done something ridiculous” the corners of Jennifer’s mouth twitched at the joke “and do you hear that hum? It’s in every corner of the city" fighting to keep his voice calm and steady Ronon focused on the sound of Jen's breathing as it slowed from its frantic gasps "It used to keep me awake at night when I first arrived here but no one from earth seems to notice it. Is it always so noisy where you come from?” he watched as Jennifer’s shoulders finally began to relax and her eyes slowly opened. 

“Not everywhere, no, but most of us are from cities. They can be very noisy” she gave a wane smile and mouthed a silent ‘thank you’ to him before tilting her head against the wall in exhaustion “I guess this is the end of our session” relief and disappointment mingling in her words 

“Nope,” Ronon said and tugged her up by the hand he was still holding, enjoying the sight of Jennifer's eyes popping open in surprised disbelief

Jennifer groaned but allowed herself to be pulled to her feet “Slave driver” she growled at him 

“You have no idea” John called from his spot on the floor, appearing to be relaxed as he and Teyla continued and unusual stretch. 

Ronon flicked him a hand gesture he had learnt from spending too much time around Rodney. 

*** 

The exhaustion that weighed on Jennifer as she tried to drag herself to her quarters after another long shift was overwhelming. It was all she could do to keep one foot going in front of the other. 

“Jennifer” Rodney called out from behind her, she could hear his pace quicken to catch up to her. 

“No!” she called back “if you want something looked at you’ll have to see one of the nurses Rodney, I’m off duty for the next 10 hours. I plan to sleep” 

“John sent me” Jennifer stopped and looked back at him blankly “its movie night,” he said as if it was the most obvious reason in the world, “he said to tell you it’s compulsory” 

Jennifer tipped her head back to stare at the ceiling and groaned a muffled curse at all interfering men before turning and following Rodney back down the corridor "he better have popcorn"

*** 

“Jennifer! Good, you’re here, time to start the movie” John handed Ronon the bowl of popcorn and got up from the couch to put the movie in. As soon as he moved away both Rodney and Jennifer dove for John’s seat; the only seat left other than the floor. Ronon’s feet conveniently got in the way of Rodney and Jennifer dropped down with a grin just as John turned to see Jennifer tucking her feet under her in his stolen seat “Hey! That was mine!” 

“Finders keepers,” Jennifer said and stuck her tongue out at him 

John considered arguing some more but not only did Jennifer need the comfortable seat more than him but Ronon was giving a look that told him not to dare so he pretended to huff and took a seat on the floor as the lights dimmed and the group settled in for the show. 

*** 

“I don’t care what you think Sheppard, Star Wars is a joke. Did you see those ships at the beginning?! absolutely impossible!"

“Yes Rodney, impossible,” John said in hushed tones as he ushered Rodney towards the door "space ships, light-speed travel, aliens; its all impossible” Rodney rolled his eyes and muttered something about there being no accounting for taste but Sheppard missed it as he closed the door. 

Turning, he surveyed his room and the popcorn scattered decoratively over every surface before letting his eyes fall on the only other people left in the room. Jennifer had fallen asleep within 10 minutes of the movie starting and had somehow ended up in Ronon’s lap as the night progressed, not that Ronon seemed to mind, in fact with his face buried in her hair and arms wrapped securely around her waist he seemed quite content to stay there all night. 

That, and the fact that he was asleep 

John took a moment to study the juxtaposition before walking over to pick Jen up so she could sleep somewhere that didn’t make her feel like a pretzel in the morning. John didn’t even get close enough to touch the doc before he froze; right in front of him were the hard eyes of Ronon, void of recognition as he held a blade to John’s throat. “Ronon” John murmured softly, crushing the sudden urge to swallow as the knife remained tight against him “put the knife down Chewie, it’s just me” he waved his hand slowly at Jen as she started to wake and tried to quickly explain his proximity to a feral Ronon in a neutral voice “I was just going to move the Doc so she could sleep easier” 

“Ronon?” Jen mumbled against his neck, still dazed and relaxed from her deep sleep “why are you holding a knife to John?” John shifted his weight backwards slowly and watched in slight amusement as Jen finally realised where she was “wait, why am-” she blushed and sat up, forcing Ronon to break his stare as she wiggled out of his grasp “I’m, I’m sorry, I must have... you should have...” she looked between the two men as she stood and realised something else had been going on “I’m missing something” she stated and looked alternately at them both, silently requesting an explanation as she ignore the blush burning her cheeks. 

John shook his head “no, everything’s fine” and then looked her up and down, taking in her sagging shoulders, heavy eyelids and dark circles around her eyes “but you’re not” he said bluntly 

Jen huffed “RUde. I’m fine” she said but couldn’t look either of them in the eye, missing the identical eye rolls as she brushed wayward strands of hair from her face “it's just been a long day”.   
The men watched as her mask slipped into place and she became distant and polite “if you’ll both excuse me I’ll be on my way. Have a good night” she nodded her head and walked stiffly from the room, fully aware of the two sets of eyes watching. 

“You know she’s lying” Ronon stated once the door had closed 

“Yeah” John replied with a sigh


	10. CRACK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jennifer does some yelling, it's reciprocated and secrets are revealed. It's safe to say things have significantly gone down hill

Jennifer’s hand shook as she scribbled her signature to the bottom of another medical report and set her tablet down with a thud. God, if this day isn’t over soon I am going to scream! Jennifer thought as she studiously ignored the sounds of a dog growling behind her. She rubbed her temples and then dug her nails into her scalp as if the pain might help clear her head “Not real, Not real, Not real” she chanted under her breath. Earlier that day, as she had been talking to a nurse, Crazy Girl was hiding behind a curtain, she saw her again now as she peered over the edge of her desk, staring at Jennifer with wide blue eyes. If Jennifer didn’t know better she would say she was being followed, but she did know better, none of it was real, all she had to do was ignore it until she got enough rest to chase away the ghosts. 

She thought it was going ok until she was sitting with SGA-1 for lunch that day when she had to suddenly push away her meal and hurriedly leave when all she could smell was the sickly copper tang of raw meat and unwashed dog. That episode upset her all the more because she knew her behaviour was being noticed, particularly by two meddlesome guys. 

The lunch fiasco had been hours ago now and her shift was finally over. Jennifer tucked herself into the corner of a disused corridor and closed her eyes in exhaustion, needing a break before making it the rest of the way to her rooms. The majority of her afternoon had been spent trying to avoid Crazy Girl without anyone else noticing. She knew it was pointless; she knew she couldn’t escape what was ultimately a figment of her imagination but she was so tired of the constant state of exhausted panic that it was all she could come up with. Moments before, Jennifer had been chased by giggles echoing off the walls of her office, med bay and main corridor. She was grateful it had stopped for now but she knew she would have to explain tomorrow why she had bolted at the end of her shift.

Jennifer’s eyes snapped open at a noise.

“Doc” Ronon’s voice called down the corridor and was quickly echoed by John’s as they appeared to search for her. 

"Fuck" Jennifer closed her eyes again, letting her head drift back against the wall and praying it would swallow her whole. No. On second thought don’t think that, you never know with Atlantis. “Ronon, Sheppard” she stepped forward and greeted them calmly. Points for her. “Is there an emergency that you couldn’t call me on the coms about?” 

Both the guys gave her searching look “we know” 

Jennifer’s stomach dropped “you know what?” she said, try to control a suddenly shaking voice. 

“That something is going on with you,” Sheppard said with a concerned frown. 

Ronon stepped forward and took her elbow, drawing them further down the corridor and out of possible earshot. Jennifer had to fight the instinct to pull away and held her breath to try and hide her panicked response to his touch. 

_“Oh Doctor, you’re going to have to tell them something now”_

Jen’s eyes widened fractionally when a shadowed figure appeared between Ronon and Sheppard. Jennifer balled her fists and glared “Go away” she snapped at the spectre of the Boss who had been the ultimate cause of her troubles 

Ronon and Sheppard shared a glance before Ronon said a firm “no” 

The shadow solidified enough for an ill-defined mouth to curl up into a smile that did nothing to soften his dark eyes _“now, now, Doctor, that’s no way to treat a friend”_

Jennifer took a breath to tell his exactly what she thought of him when John interrupted “we talked to Nicky”. Jennifer’s attention snapped to John “you’ve been acting weird for the last few days. You’re distracted and the exhaustion is not getting better, in fact, we’re pretty sure it's getting worse” 

Jennifer tried to look offended while fighting down the rising panic “I’m fine” 

“Bullshit” Ronon growled 

_“Ooh look, the ape man speaks”_

“Stop it, you don’t know what you’re talking about” Jennifer shot a glare at Boss but directed her next statement to Ronon “I am fine, I promise. I’m a little tired is all. Nothing a good night’s sleep wouldn’t cure” She glared at Ronon “and wasn’t it you who said to me just a few weeks ago that you couldn’t see how forcing me to talk would be helpful? Really practising what you preach here, Ronon” She watched as his eyes flashed with guilt for a split second before hardening in resolve 

“I also said I trusted you to talk to someone if you needed to” 

Jennifer winced at the harsh truth thrown back at her 

John ran his fingers through his hair and sighed with frustration “just stop hiding from us Doc. We’re here to help” 

_“you don’t even trust your own team; your own friends? Oh Wildcat, are you sure you made the right choice in holding out on me?”_

“I do trust you!” she blurted out before composing herself “sorry, I know you’re trying to help I just-” 

_“All that delicious torture could have been avoided if you had just told me the codes_ ” Boss’s grin spread wide and cruel _”You are willing to die for these men but you can’t talk to them about our time together. Sounds to me like maybe you enjoyed what I-“_

“Shut up!” she shrieked and stabbed a finger at the shadowed figure of her dead torturer “You have no right to judge me! You let your bat-shit crazy girlfriend play with me like I was some toy she could doodle on with a knife” she watched him, panting, as the apparition looked smug and glanced at the two men watching her with growing concern 

_“Good luck wildcat, I expect you’ve got a lot of lying to do now”_ he moved forward and pressed himself against her front for a moment _“see you around”_ and faded out of view 

Jennifer staggered back, gulped and had to close her eyes against a wave of nausea. It had the added advantage of hiding the worried faces of the two most important men currently in her life. She managed to count to 4 before someone spoke up 

“Jennifer,” John said hesitantly “you do know there no-one there, right?” 

“I am well aware” she sighed and looked at him “I have PTSD John, you know I’ve been having flashbacks?” they both nodded “well I’ve been having nightmares” She glanced at Ronon, remembering their time spent on the outdoor platform after a bad one “and I think the exhaustion coupled with stress is the reason that I’ve been having some minor hallucinations for the last few days” 

“Hallucinating” Sheppard repeated flatly “you’ve been seeing the guy who hurt you around the city for the last few days and you didn’t think to mention it?” Jennifer could tell he was trying to hide the hurt in his voice 

“If I was able to sleep it would go away. A lack of sleep does a number on a person’s mind” she tried not to cry when she saw doubt in John's face “please, I haven’t cracked, I’m just so tired. If you report this I will be pulled from this expedition and never allowed back, I can handle this, I just need to sleep” 

John looked unsure but pulled her into a hug, sharing a determined look with Ronon who nodded “you need to talk to someone about all of this. If not officially then chose someone from my team, none of them will say anything” Jennifer nodded into his shoulder “and you’re going to take the next 2 weeks off work” he held her tighter when she stiffened in his arms “you’re going to make up any excuse you have to, I’ll back up anything you say. Deal?”. Jennifer hesitated before mumbling her agreement “Good” John said and pulled back, holding her at arm’s length and searching her face “now you’re going to go and-“ 

“Wait,” Ronon said quickly “there’s something else you said” 

Jen could feel the last little colour draining from her face.

“that hallucination you were talking to; you said something about a girlfriend” Jennifer bowed her head and gave an almost imperceptible nod “we didn’t find any females” Ronon’s voice deepened in anger “and you never mentioned her to any of us. You never mentioned her to-“ 

Sheppard’s grip on her arms was tight and he shook her slightly “why didn’t you say anything?” 

Tears were running down Jennifer’s face now, shame burning away all other emotions “she was a broken little thing, dependant on the Boss for everything she did” her voice was soft and she couldn’t meet their gazes “she asked him if she could doodle on me like I was nothing more than a canvas” she raised her head and they saw the contained fury she had “It was humiliating! My back is shredded, not because I was being tortured, but for entertainment” 

“But you’ve been carrying this around for... for weeks” John shook her again, trying to express his frustration, hurt and anger

“I was ashamed. You all thought I had suffered through some horrific, drawn-out sort of torture that was trying to get information out of me. The truth is that the worst of it was nothing to do with gaining info. I was asked no questions as she carved into my back. All I was expected to do was stand still and not scream least I ruin her picture” she glanced at them both quickly with a bitter smile “I still haven’t seen her handiwork; Can’t bring myself to look” 

John let her go and turned from her, hiding his face as he battled to keep himself under control. Ronon didn’t bother and spun her to face him squarely “you should have told someone before now” and Jen could see him tremble as he tried to control himself "you know better than this” 

John took that moment to spin back around with a determined glint in his eyes “I’m going to organise a search party for her. Don’t argue” he said when Jen opened her mouth “this is as much for us as it is for you”. Sheppard and Ronon shared another meaningful look ending in a nod “make sure she understands” he said before leaving, clearly aware of what was about to happen. 

Ronon and Jen turn back to face each other, she gave one last feeble attempt at controlling this scene “I’m a doctor, I know better than you” and immediately she knew she had said the wrong thing 

“Well clearly you don’t!” he yelled, anger frustration and fear taking over “you lied to your superior officers, to your friends, to your family! You suffered through this alone, ignoring any offers of help that weren’t forced upon you and driving yourself into the ground. Contrary to popular belief you are not without fault!” 

“Don’t tell me what I’ve done; I know what I’ve done; I’ve ruined everything! And you’re not so faultless yourself!” Jennifer’s eyes blazed and she took a step towards him. 

Ronon had a crazed grin on his face “No, but at least I know where my limits are!” 

“Bullshit! How many times have I had to practically sit on you to make you stay in the infirmary huh?” 

If you had tried that I would have happily stayed!” a twitch of the eye the only indication he was aware of what he had implied “at least I haven’t driven myself to such a state that I’m seeing things that aren’t there” He said, frustration taking over as some of the anger faded 

“I will admit that I’ve pushed myself, but really, what would you have thought of me if I had confessed at the beginning that not only was I struggling to cope but that I wasn’t as heroic as you all seemed to think?! I couldn’t face the pity, the doubt or the indifference of the people I love! I would have rather died!” 

“Well, you nearly did!” Ronon roared, his anger and frustration back in full force “we all nearly lost you and then you come back and still it’s as if you’re never there!” he took a step forward, bringing him within an inch of her. There was no need for yelling now, they were so close they shared a breath “it took me so long to trust people here. For so long I didn’t understand what I could have. Don’t make that mistake. Trust someone. Trust me” 

Jennifer looked up at him, his eyes wide, pupils blown, and she panted with residual anger. “I do,” she said, paused for a moment, her eyes drifting over his face and resting on his lips before she backed away, turned and left. 

The anger dropped from Ronon, having served its purpose in getting Jennifer to express hers. He hoped this was her turning point “come back to us Jennifer” he muttered, watching her walk away before heading off to find John; that search party was one thing he would not miss for all the universe. 


	11. Confronting Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jen faces some hard conversations

Ronon’s whole body thrummed with energy as he followed Sheppard through the trees. The sooner this was over the sooner Jennifer could finish healing. The sooner this bitch was dead the better everyone would sleep, not that that was the official goal of this mission. Woolsey had been very clear on that in their meeting, this girl was to be brought back to Atlantis to allow the psychologist to talk to her. Sheppard had understood immediately and gone still, telling Woolsey in a too calm voice that if Jennifer had said she kept all important information from her captors then she had. Ronon's glare had cut off any attempts to deny that that was the reason SGC has decided to allow the search but Woolsey was sincere when he said he trusted the doctor. 

Now, running through the short stretch of trees between the jumper and the caves Ronon’s hand itched to grab his blaster and shoot everything that made noise in their vicinity. He had noticed Sheppard was similarly twitchy and even Teyla, although not reacting to every falling leaf, was tense. Soon the trees thinned and they came upon the clearing where they had found the doctor half-buried, the hole was still there and each of them forced down the memories fluttering in the corners of their mind. 

Their hope was that the girl hadn’t strayed far from the cave and would be able to see reason and leave with them quietly. Well… that was SGC’s hopes, secretly Ronon hoped the girl would attack them the moment she saw people and give him the excuse to shoot her that he so desperately wanted. Sadly they had been given a sedative for her so explaining the use of deadly force would be difficult. Sheppard had been careful to point that out to him on the trip out here. 

The area around the cave was completely still and silent but Ronon noticed that although the skeletons of the two men around the fire were still there, the dogs, which had been shot when they took out the men, were missing. Closer to the cave he noticed that the body of the man he now realised was probably the boss was also missing. 

As they approached the cave a shriek came from the dark and a voice shouting for them to get out reverberated off the walls. Guns and lights up, the team entered the cave. The first thing Ronon noticed was the smell; eye wateringly revolting and strong enough to blessedly stuff up the nose in a matter of seconds. The sounds came as they neared the opening of the main cavern; angry shouts of a female, scuffling and the angry chitter of small animals. Ronon, Sheppard and Teyla shared looks of uncertainty as they neared. 

Their lights fell on a confusing scene. The soft glow of the single torch lit the small structure on the back wall but between them and the structure stood a young and slight woman, black hair a tangled mess, skin grey with dirt but with pale streaks where angry tears coursed down her cheeks. She stomped and screamed, waving her arms in the air. 

And completely ignoring the newcomers. 

The team shared another glance as the screaming turned to shouting and Ronon finally realised what she was doing. She was fighting rats. Trying to scare them away from her shelter by either standing on them or chasing them away. She wasn’t doing well, each of them could see a dozen or so rats scurrying over her oddly shaped hut. 

Sheppard cleared his throat and the reaction was instantaneous, her head whipped around and she screamed in fear, backing away from the trio so fast she tripped over her own feet and sprawled out on the floor, not bothering to stand before making threats against them “run away children! Or the monster will get you!” she stood and glared at them, eyes wild in the beam of their torches “he’ll steal your tongue and break your feet and you’ll never see the sky again!” her high pitched giggle bounced off the cavern walls and surrounded them. 

Ronon’s skin crawled as he stepped forward, attempting to maneuver her toward Tayla who had the sedative

“H e likes the big ones best. So juicy, so strong! They try to breath when their bones are pebbles and the pebbles are bones, when the dirt is blood and the blood is dirt” she cocked her head to the side, staring intently at Teyla “but I like the little ones. I like their skin. So pretty. So smooth”

Teyla watched the girl with pity as the men circled around, signalling for them to pause and let the madwoman ramble a moment longer

“the monster” she giggled again “the monster-master, the master-monster he makes sure they stay still so I can draw my pictures” she smiled at Teyla, drawing a couple of steps closer and leaning forward as if to share a great secret “There was this one time I even tasted it” she gasped as if shocked at her own admission “I did the perfect swirl at the bottom and I just had to lick it! she didn’t seem to like it much” she said with a pout “but it's ok, the monster-master changed her mind" she pouted dramatically "but then someone stole her from us! They came into our home and took what didn’t belong to them! People like you, with hands full of metal and clothed in green, filthy robbers!” she paused to glare at Sheppard’s uniform before turning back to Teyla, voice quiet and childlike “do you like dogs? I like dogs”

A calculating looks came over her as she continued to stare at Teyla who stepped back as the child tried to approach further, Teyla watched her tense to leap, the sedative held at her side but as she took the step Ronon fired, sending her to the floor stunned.

Silence fell on the trio as they stared at the figure at their feet. “If Jennifer wishes to speak to this… child one of us should accompany her” Teyla said quietly, receiving grim nods

“The Doc shouldn’t have to face her at all,” Sheppard said with suppressed rage straining his throat. He and Ronon shared a meaningful look

“We don’t have to find her,” Ronon said bluntly

“No,” Sheppard said with reluctance “Doc wouldn’t rest if she thought she might be out there”

“Then perhaps she had a knife” Growled Ronon, dark eyes fixed on the girl in front of them “I don’t care what lie we have to tell your elders, we could end this now” 

Silence fell again as the men considered the decisions ahead of them

“No” Teyla stated firmly “we are not doing this. I will not back up your story. We return her to your SGC and they will serve a fair punishment and help as it is deserved”

Sheppard sighed “she’s right Ronon, she comes back with us. In one piece. Ronon if you would kindly do the honours” he said waving his torch in the direction of the girl “we can get out of this place. It gives me the –Holy Shit!” Sheppard had flicked his light over the structure in the back of the cavern and finally took in what he saw.

“Well that explains the smell” Ronon muttered with disgust

Teyla covered her mouth as she looked at the body of a large man propped - and in some places skewered - into place on what looked like a chair made out of twigs. His skin was grey and, in many places, missing. The rats had clearly gone for the belly as a gory cavity was all that remained under his exposed ribs. At his feet lay two dogs the size of ponies. Both were primarily bone, scraps of fur and fangs and as the team watched two rats wriggled through the ribs of the far one “we need to leave” Teyla stated, shaken and unable to hide it.

In agreement, Ronon threw the girl over his shoulder without care for how hard her face hit his back.

****

“you don’t have to do this”

“yes I do Ronon”

“you really don’t”

“Yes I do John”

Ronon grabbed Jennifer’s arm when her pacing brought her past him again and spun her to face him “at least don’t go in alone”

“no” she said shaking her head “I need to prove to myself that I can do this”

“then why are you pacing the hallway instead of entering?” Sheppard asked unhelpfully

Jennifer gave him an exasperated look before tugging her arm from Ronon’s grasp and beginning her pacing again “because I can’t bring myself to actually approach the door. Because the thought of being within arms reach of that…child makes my skin crawl and my head spin”

“Then don’t go,” Ronon said while stepping into her path, forcing her to stop pacing when she reached him“I-we don’t want you to put yourself through this. We met her, we know what she’s like too, you’ll get nothing good from her”

“I don’t care, I have to face her before anything official happens. I need to know I can handle it” Jennifer looked up at Ronon with eyes that pleaded with him to understand. He searched her face and must have seen something because he nodded and stepped away, giving her access to the door to the holding cell

Sheppard's voice came softly from over her shoulder as he reached for the handle “We will watch from the observation room, if at any time you need us just say” 

She nodded her head numbly, swallowed the butterflies trying to force their way up her throat and entered

****

The first thing that struck Jennifer was how tall she was. In the cave the darkness had stolen all her edges, her hands and face being the only things Jennifer remembered clearly seeing of her. In the harsh unforgiving light of Atlantis she looked so ordinary. Long dark hair dirty and matted in places and the rest of her covered in a layer of grime that made it impossible to determine her skin tone or her age.

The second thing to strike her was the stench that came from her. Jennifer began to feel sorry for the huddled figure in the corner, quickly dispelled at the girl's reaction. 

When she heard the door close her head snapped up and Jennifer was frozen as a beatific smile lit the girls face “you came back to me!”. The chains, insisted upon by Sheppard until the girl could be assessed, rattled as she stood

“Hello,” Jennifer said, the shiver in her voice evident

“Oh he’ll so happy when I tell him I found you again!” the girl squealed in glee and took a step closer, her chains pulling taunt “you were my favourite, did you know that?” Jennifer shook her head numbly, trying to control her rapid breathing “oooh the things we have planned for you, just you wait!”

Jennifer clenched her fists and remained silent, not trusting herself to remain calm if she tried to speak.

“I wanted to paint your face next, maybe do something pretty around the eyes” she cocked her head “or with the eyes, it's not like you would need them anymore, the cave is very dark. And my monster-master is always so creative, you would love what he does with your feet”

“no” Jennifer gasped, hands fisted at her sides she trembled in fear and fury “NO!, I am sorry for whatever you went through to twist you into his creature but I will never be under your power again” Jennifer's voice rose in pitch as her emotions overtook her compassion “and that awful monster you call Master is dead!”

The girl charged for her then, teeth bared and hands clawed as she strained against her chains “I will tear the flesh from your limbs! and paint the walls in your BLOOD! I’LL CLAW OUR YOUR EYES AND LET THE DOGS FEAST ON YOUR BONES!!” she shrieked 

Jennifer beat a hasty retreat. By the time the guys had reached her she was incoherent. Between gasps, she tried to say something but all they heard was “I… can’t… be…”

Ronon stepped forward when Jennifer’s panic-stricken eyes widened and she staggered. Ronon was just quick enough to catch her before she hit the ground in a dead faint. With her cradled against his chest, he addressed Sheppard “that cannot happen again. Promise me Jennifer will never be near her again”

“I can’t do that but I can promise she will never be alone”

Ronon frowned but nodded and carried Jennifer off to her rooms, not leaving her presence until she woke the next morning as if he could somehow fight off her nightmares


	12. Chapter 12

Jennifer shifted uncomfortably in her seat as she ate her breakfast, very aware of the numerous glances she was getting from the room. It had been three days since her nightmare had been brought through the Stargate. Three days since she had passed out into Ronon’s arms and nearly three days since she had woken to find him sitting in her armchair staring out the window. By breakfast of the first day the gossip mill had done its job and everybody knew a version of what had happened that night. Woolsey had called her into his office that afternoon to discuss the accusation of her pulling a weapon on a defenceless girl and another that she had asked Ronon to disobey orders from the SGC and kill the girl. Jennifer had  venomously denied the accusations and had left the meeting furious at the implication. It wasn’t until dinner that evening she had realised the consequences if Woolsey had not believed her and lowered her cutlery as her hands started to shake.

The following day had been exhausting. Woolsey had pulled her from active duty for a week so that she could rest and be on call to the therapist if her knowledge was required. She had spent the day hiding in her room undisturbed as SGA1 had been off base for most of the day.  However, today was a whole new day. She had requested clearance to observe the girl’s session with the psychiatrist in the hopes that the exposure could help her work through some of her own trauma. The psychiatrist had granted it on the  proviso that she be on the other side of a one-way mirror and supervised at all times. Jen had quickly agreed to the terms. 

Ronon and John, returning from their mission early, were informed by Woolsey of her plans and immediately sought her out to inform her of their decision to attend. It was a sign of her tattered nerves that she didn’t fight them. So Jennifer found herself in the observation room, flanked by the two men who had become her shield. One held her hand tightly, the length of his arm pressed against hers as if wanting to lend as much support as he could. The other kindly did not comment when her nails dug into his forearm as she tried desperately to keep from running while they watched the door to the other room open to admit the child. 

The three observers watched as the Dr and the girl began to discuss the life she had led. How she had been taken from her family when she was 10, the things she had seen; the savage mauling from the dogs that left some people alive for days with impossible wounds, the flaying alive of men for the enjoyment of her master, the things she had done; ground dirt into wounds just to make sure they would scar, cut at peoples flesh until there was nothing left by tattered skin, reducing a human to pieces laid out in neat rows as the still alive man begged for death.

Jennifer wanted to believe that this girl was as remorseful as she seemed; the tears ran down her face at the right moments of the story, her head bowed in shame but there was something about the way she tilted her head, about how she only fidgeted with the top half of her body; the half the psychiatrist could see, that was off. Jennifer’s breath shuddered in her chest as she considered the possibility that the girl would be believed and her hands unconsciously tightened their grips. While Jennifer’s mind whirled with questions something happened in the other room and it wasn’t until both the men beside her tensed that she looked up, just in time to see the psychiatrist motioning for the guards to remove the shackles.

“What is she doing?” Sheppard muttered incredulously, moving to the door before Jennifer's grasp tugged him back to her side

“She doesn’t think she’s a danger” her voice didn’t waver. Points for her “she’s acting like a calm, coherent, albeit traumatised, young woman who appears” Jennifer swallows hard before she can say it “guilt-ridden over what she has done while under the thrall of her ‘master’, Dr Rowl has no reason to keep her shackled”

“Yes she does” Ronon growled low and dangerous “it decorates your back and makes you scream in your sleep” 

Jennifer looked at Ronon in shock for a moment before her face softened and she ran her hand up and down his arm trying to soothe him as well as herself “as hard as it may be for me to admit, perhaps she is not as... wild as she was when she was under his thumb. Perhaps, outside of the shadow of her ‘master’, she is capable of reason”

“You don’t really believe that” Ronon stated but he frowned as if not quite believing himself

Jennifer went to speak but paused, trying to sort out what was her knee jerk reaction and what she truly believed “Maybe not but I need to hope”

“Don’t worry” Sheppard said firmly to Ronon “we’re not going to let her get anywhere near Doc”

Jennifer looked between the two and noticed the twin looks of steel “Fine” she said. And boy if she didn’t make it sound like she had been given a choice. 

She might have said something more but for the sudden crash and shouts from the other room. All three looked through the mirror to see a shocked Dr Rowl still sitting on her side of the table and a guard staggering to his feet holding his head as blood leaked through his fingers. 

No girl in sight.

For a moment time froze, both the men trying to decide how to lock Jennifer in a room with no locks and Jennifer calculating how fast she would have to move to get to the door. 

She hadn’t taken two steps before Ronon’s hand clamped down on her shoulder, Jennifer knocked his hand away and continued to move towards the door without breaking stride “if either of you wants to protect me you will need to keep up” and with that, she threw open the door and ran out. Ronon and John both growled her name as they sprinted after her. 

It didn’t take long for them to spot the girl as she skipped down a luckily empty corridor “Stop!” Jennifer called

the girl skidded to a halt looking at Jennifer with wide eyes “hello Pretty One, Big One, Tall One. are you going to catch me?” Jennifer took a step forward and managed not to twitch when Ronon pulled out his gun

“Ronon, put it down, she’s weaponless. If she gets too close to me she’ll be in arms reach for you. Put. It. Down” 

Ronon reluctantly lowered his gun, Jennifer turned back to the girl

“Do you like playing games?” Jennifer asked in her soothe-a-rabid-bear voice

“Ooh yes,” the girl said with a squeal of delight “I liked the one I was playing earlier with the grey-haired woman. She was fun and so good at playing pretend with me” a calm settled over her and she was suddenly completely still “I wonder if master would like her. Maybe if I could bring her to him he’ll speak to me again” her face contorted with grief and tears made tracks down her cheeks “I did something wrong, he won’t listen to me when I say sorry”

“I’m sure he will forgive you,” Jennifer said and took another step forward. The men behind her tensed but let the tenuous calm remain by staying put

The girl grinned suddenly, the expression made more odd by the tears still staining her cheeks “do you like to fly? I like to fly, catch me if you caaaaan!” and suddenly she darted away. Jennifer raced after her and the two men raced after Jennifer. All three stumbled to a stop when they rounded a corner and saw the girl standing on the railing of a balcony, her arms spread and a beatific smile on her face. Between one breath and the next, she tipped forward, wind tearing at her clothing as she fell from view

“NO!” Jennifer screamed and ran the last few metres to the railing, nearly throwing herself over it in an attempt to somehow catch the girl. A sob tore its way out of her chest as the men came to stand at the railing. All three looked down at the 11 story drop, at the small still form of the girl and at the slowly growing patch of red against the grey metal. 

Jennifer continued to stare at it until one of them pulled her away and out of the biting wind. Warm arms wrapped around her and she leant against Ronon's chest, soaking in the warmth as she tried to process what had just happened. It was over. She knew she should feel relief, she hoped that would come in time, but right now all she felt was a deep sadness; for herself, for the girl whose name she would never know, for those who had gone before her. 

She watched as Sheppard, never allowing her out of his line of sight, filled in Woolsey via the comms. This saga hadn’t just been difficult for her she noted, Sheppard and Ronon struggled to accept she was safe outside of their watch and she predicted it would be a few months before they would be unable to come up with excuses to keep her from going off-world. 

As the adrenaline left her system Jennifer’s legs started to feel like jelly and she longed for her bed. She suspected Ronon had been talking for a little while before she noticed the vibrations against her cheek but when she focused she realised the conversation had been directed at Sheppard. 

“You’re about to keel over there Doc, let Ronon take you to your rooms and we’ll debrief with Woolsey when you wake”

Jennifer thought she said something about doing the debriefing now but she wasn’t certain. Either way it felt like only a moment before she found herself standing in front of her rooms, Ronon’s hand a warmth on her back as it guided her through the doors “Hello bed” she said with a goofy grin and fell face forward into her pillow, ignoring the chuckle from behind her as sleep sucked her down. 

It was over. 


	13. Epilogue

Sweat dripped into Jennifer's eyes but she refused to take her eyes off the man in front of her who watched her as a predator did prey. She had learnt her lesson quickly; anything less than her total concentration meant pain.

Her first week of real sparing with Ronon had left her hobbling and nursing a smattering of purple bruised, proof that she had a lot to learn. He had apologised when he saw them the next day and had cancelled three sessions in a row before she worked out what was going on and dragged him down to the gym. It had taken more than a week for the sick and guilty look Ronon got every time he saw a bruise on her to slowly disappear. Jennifer had had to try twice as hard at her training after that, determined not to get so many bruises. In the end, it had taken her clocking him over the head every afternoon for a week before he stopped hesitating every time he swung the baton at her. 

"Shit" Jennifer swore under her breath as she barely raised her baton in time to block Ronon's strike, served her right for getting lost in her thoughts. Ronon grinned in a way Jennifer had learnt to interpret as "I've got you" and swore again as she noticed their positions. In three sweeps of his arm, Ronon had both batons out of Jennifer's hands and had backed her up against the cold wall of the empty sparing room, one baton at her throat and other against her ribs. Her breath left her in a huff and she stilled, knowing when she was defeated. "One day-" Jennifer began her daily insistence that she would beat him eventually. 

Her words were cut off as Ronon's mouth pressed against hers, batons falling to the ground as a hand buried in her hair and the other slipped around her back, pulling her tightly to him with a moan. 

"Uuuuh" Jennifer murmured faintly when Ronon's lips moved to her neck "what was I saying?" she said in a distracted voice, sparks of pleasure flaring from every point of contact. 

Jennifer felt more than heard Ronon chuckle before she was picked up and pressed higher against the wall, legs wrapping around his waist "That I win" 

Jennifer frowned, that didn't sound like her but Ronon's hand had slipped under her shirt and the skin on skin contact shorted out her brain. She hummed in dazed agreement and focused back on the task at hand. 


End file.
